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Today Jokes

How does the balance sheet of a bank look like as of today?

On the left side there's nothing right and on the right side there's nothing left...

Everyday Deserves a Joke
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Everyday Deserves a Joke

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What's the difference between my job and my boss's daughter?

I'm not coming into work today

How did the sperm cross the road?

I put the wrong socks on today.

What does the internet need to take when its constipated?

Google Fiber Note: Randomly came up with this joke today

What does Uncle Vernon not do today?

Post.

What did God say to the alcoholic spelling bee judge?

Define intervention." Came up with this today at work.

What would Ronald Reagan be doing if he were alive today?

He'd be scratching at the lid of his coffin yelling, "Let me out! I'm alive! Let me out!!"

What's today's date?

Germany/Brazil/2016

What's not 50% off today?

Health insurance

Why is there so much segregation today?

All Fridays Matter

What's the difference between a man who owns a gun and a man who owns a bank?

A man with a gun can rob a bank. A man with a bank can rob the world. (Disclaimer: reword of someone else's post to FB today.)

I've Got a Whole Latte Jokes
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I've Got a Whole Latte Jokes

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What is the date in Germany/Brasil today?

7-1. (World Cup)

What do we say to the god of procrastination?

Not today.

What does a television have in common with a rabbit?

His ears! Yes, this is a real joke I got from a Laffy Taffy wrapper today, not 30 years ago. I did not laugh.

Where are the raisins today?

A student used to give his teacher some raisins everyday. He kept giving them for 3 months straight. Then one day he did not give raisins to his teacher. And his teacher asked him "Where are the raisins today?", and the boy said "My rabbit died."

Which US president is most responsible for unemployment in the US today?

Abraham Lincoln.

Why are there so many Mike Tysons on my news feed today...?

May the forth be with you

Why did I wear no jeans today?

My supply was short.

Why did the giraffe cross the highway?

Because he bumped his head on the low-way! I guess we're doing 4 year old's jokes today

Whats the complement to a 40 degree angle?

My you're looking "acute" today.

What would Marilyn Monroe being doing if she were alive today?

Clawing at the lid of her coffin.

We've Got This Love Thing Down
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We've Got This Love Thing Down

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What do you get when you cross Gnomes and Worgen??

Micro-Worgenisms! (From my Bizzard support ticket response today.)

What would Marilyn Monroe be doing if she were alive today?

Clawing at the inside of her coffin.

What would George Washington do if he were alive today?

Scream and scratch at the top of his coffin.

Why didn't the rock make it to work today?

He was stoned

Why did the train go left?

Cause it couldn't get on the right track. I made that joke when I was little and remembered it today, might as well post it.

What kinds of vegetables did Ghandi prefer?

Peace and carrots... Thought this up at work today. I'm sure it's been done before but it made me chuckle...

How many sad soccer fans are there today?

A Brazillion...

What do Will and Jaden Smith like about today?

It's After Earth Day.

What's your favorite joke appropriate for a 6-8 year old?

I am a ski instructor and I've recently been teaching these two boys who are 6 and 8 year old brothers. I realized today that I know zero jokes appropriate enough or funny to this demographic. I feel like they think I am super boring. Give me some help to make the chairlift more exciting!!

Why did the lollipop cross the road?

Cause it was stuck to the chicken. I heard that on the radio today. I LOLed.

Birthday State of Mind
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Birthday State of Mind

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What's the difference between the jokes from today and next week's jokes?

The posters.

What do WNBA players make?

Sandwiches. Friend told me this today and had to share

What was the humor like back then?

I was just wondering about how many jokes today maybe irrelevant 100 years into the future. To test this theory, what are the oldest recorded jokes?

Why is today John Philip Sousa Day?

Because he told everyone to march fourth.

How many paranoids does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Who wants to know?.... saw this joke in today's

Where does He-Man keep his towel?

BY THE SHOWER OF GREYSKULL!!! I wrote this joke today. Feel free to steal it.

What would Kim Jong-Il be doing if he was still alive today?

Scratching at the lid of his coffin.

Whats the V in DVD stand for?

Cuz if it were lying down it wouldnt make any sense. (first post to reddit, made up this joke today.. be kind)

What did David Crockett say when he looked over the Alamo wall and saw 3000 Mexicans?

Hey I didn't know we were pouring concrete today.

Why do people love their smartphones so much?

Because opposites attract. (Told to me by 2 students today, loved it!)

What date is it today?

2nd April. Ha!! April fool!

What are cooking for us today?

Dingo: I'm making my famous baby coleslaw

What is science?

Student: Me Ma'am! Me! Teacher: Ok Pedro! What is science Student: science is our Lesson for today.

Why did the sperm cross the road..?

I accidentally put on the wrong sock today....

What can I get you today?

Harambe: May I get a martini Me: Just ice for Harambe. Harambe: Just ice Me: Justice for Harambe.

What do you call an uncertain insect today?

A May bee.

What did you learn in school today Son: How to write Mother: What did you write?

Son: I don't know they haven't taught us how to read yet!

Why did the Polish couple decide to have only 4 children?

They'd read in the newspaper that one out of every five babies born in the world today is Chinese.

What did you learn in kindergarten today?

5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember. Apparently she learned bribery.

What's the difference between the jokes I read today, and the jokes I read last week?

The posters

Why is everyone smiling at me today?

Checks fly* *no pants* Aaaah.

What did you learn in school today?

Not enough I have to go back tomorrow!

Who forgot his phone charger today?

THIS gu

Why didn't you go to school today?

Little Banana: Because I didn't peel well.

What are you doing today?

2: 'Well, I think I can really push my limits' 1: 'Oh right, are you sure ' 2: 'I'm definite'.

How is today Monday?

It was Friday only a few hours ago...

Why didn't the shy juggler perform at the circus today?

Because he didn't have the balls!

What do you want to work on today?

Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before. "So...neck day again" You bet

How did you prepare for today?

Red carpet question with "Cocaine and sit ups." #GoldenGlobes

Where's Wally?

Book today but couldn't find one anywhere. Well played, Wally. Well played.

What do you call the family members of the Force?

Force-kin My friend made this up today while talking about Star Wars.

Why did the policeman stay in bed today?

He was undercover *!*

How do I look today?

Bruno Mars: "When I see your faceeee" Girl: "Ok ok I get it."

What do children think of the world?

I don't know, this is the first time I've logged onto Reddit, today.

How do fast food restaurants make so much money?

OC "They flip burgers for profit!" Just thought of this at a baseball game today, kinda quirky and simple!

What would Jimi Hendrix be doing today if he was still alive?

Trying to get out of his grave.

Where'd ya get it?

The parrot says, "Africa." (I don't know if you know this one, but I just heard it today)

What did the dog say after a hard day at work?

Today sure was ruff" Read that today on my university's art wall and made me smile a bit, thought i'd share it

Why are you so happy?

Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said "Parking Fine"

What's wrong with them?

His boss asks. "I just can't see myself coming to work today."

How bad is the economy?

Twenty years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Today we have no cash, no hope and no jobs.

What would you like today?

Me: Make me look attractive. Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!

What was the last thing a blonde heard before dying of old age?

"Today children we will learn our ABC's"

What do you call a chicken with no neck?

A Hic. ----- wife hit me with this one today. Remove the n. E. C. And k. From chicken and it spells hic. I'm sorry Reddit.

How many beers is that for you today, dear?

Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops. Wife: I counted 19. Me: Well I rounded down.

Why is Kim Jong Un like todays music?

They both ain't got the same Seoul.

What came in the mail today?

Anthrax.

What is today's special at Google's employee cafeteria?

Alphabet Soup.

Why is today a trucker's favorite day?

Cuz it's 10-4 GOOD BUDDY!!!

Why should I submit a joke today?

Because today's April full!

How woke?

Me: We're putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.

How do you tell the difference from a guy's chromosome and a girl's chromosome?

You pull down their gene's and have a look! Credit: I heard this from an older gentlemen today at a senior home.

Who's there! Bean! Bean who?

Bean working very hard today!

How old were you on your last birthday?

Eight. And how old will you be on your next birthday Ten. Oh I don't think that's possible. Oh yes it is - I'm nine today.

What would Hellen Keller be doing if she were alive today?

Clawing at the lid of the coffin.

Where are you and Mom going tonight?

Me: To meet with your teacher. 7: Oh, you don't need to. I already saw her today.

How do you please all the people?

Tell them Ellen Pao has stepped down as of today!

How are you today?

Me: Tim.

What are you gonna do today?

Me: Shower. W: ...what else M: Make a new iTunes playlist. W: Wow. M: Might not have time for a shower.

How would you like your school girls today, Mr. Holmes?

Elementary, my dear Watson.

What would Elvis Presley be doing if he were alive today?

Scratching at the inside of his coffin.

How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?

BART: I don't know where my hair starts

What do you call a shoe with no grip?

A slipper. (Made this up today, but almost definitely will have been made up before by someone else)

Why is the Math Book so sad?

It has so many problems! -Sorry doing a whole bunch of math today and i thought of this.

Why are you not laughing?

Cos I'm quitting today.

What do you call electricity still flowing today?

Current.

How the fight started Wife: Going for a walk, do you want anything?

Me: How about a newspaper. Wife: OK, which one Me: Today's.

What is the recipe for honeymoon salad?

Lettuce alone, without dressing. I remembered this today from a joke book I had when I was a kid. Wasn't sure if it should be here or /r/dadjokes

Why put off until tomorrow what you can do today?

Me: It'll be higher quality and less tense for everyone if we wait Boss: Today!

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Joke Jokes More Joke Jokes

Why did the spud lover set his alarm for 8:00?

Because he wanted to get a-po-ta-to clock. to make joke more apparent

Where do dads keep their jokes?

In their dadabase.

Die Jokes More Die Jokes

How many Saiyans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Just one... But it takes 4 episodes and Krillin dies...

What do you get when a clown dies in a desert?

Dry Humour.

Difference Jokes More Difference Jokes

What is the difference between someone who worships God &amp someone who worships the sun?

The sun exists.

What is the difference between a locomotive engineer and a teacher?

One minds the train the other trains the mind.

Student Jokes More Student Jokes

What did the choir teacher say to the student who asked to use the bathroom?

Of chorus.

Why did the student fail the exam?

Spent too much time figuring out the Engels, so he didnt get the Marx.... thats what he gets for Stalin

Think Jokes More Think Jokes

What is the difference between cats and commas?

This might be better suited for but I think its more a joke Cats have claws at the ends of it's paws commas haves pauses at the ends of its clause.

What are you thinking of?

He says: "Nothing." and disappears.

Right Jokes More Right Jokes

What is worse than getting a wrong call at 3 AM in the morning?

Getting a right call.

What do you call it when a Spanish man goes to court for custody of his children?

Fight for your right to padre

3 Month Jokes More 3 Month Jokes

Where are the raisins today?

A student used to give his teacher some raisins everyday. He kept giving them for 3 months straight. Then one day he did not give raisins to his teacher. And his teacher asked him "Where are the raisins today?", and the boy said "My rabbit died."

Why doesn't anyone watch women's hockey?

The games take 3 months to play!

Raisin Jokes More Raisin Jokes

Why are oatmeal cookies better?

No raisin

How did the raisin have fun at the movies?

It took a date....