House Jokes

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get to your house... Knock, knock. Who's there? The chicken.

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What does a fern have in its house?

Fern-iture

What colour did Matthew McConaughey want his house to be painted?

All white, all white, all white.

What did the house turn into on the night of the full moon?

A Warehouse.

What does Dave Grohl say when he thinks there's a stalker in his house?

IS SOMEONE OUT ON THE VEST? THE VEST? THE VEST? THE VESTIBULE?

Why did the blonde bring a ladder to the party?

I told her that drinks were on the house

What did the doctor say to the man who walked off the roof of his house?

I don't think you understand the gravity of the situation.

What did the Mexican say when his house collapsed on him?

Hey, get off me homes!

How can you tell a hippie's been in your house?

He's still there when you get home. What's he say when you tell him to leave? "Na, 'ma stay"

What do you get when you play a country song backwards?

Your wife back, your dog back, your house back...

Why did the man build his house out of a tree instead of bricks?

Because he thought it wood look better!

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How do you get an Aussie to climb up on the roof?

Tell him drinks are on the house.

What did the Mexican say when two houses fell on him?

Get off me homes.

What did Leonardo DaVinci call his house?

The DaVinci Abode

What type of clothing does a House wear?

Address.

Why did Adele leave the house?

So she could say Hello from the outside.

What room is missing from almost every house?

A Mushroom

What do you get if you play a country music song backwards?

You get your wife back. Your house back. Your truck back. Your dog back...

How did the blind man know Santa was in his house?

He felt his presents.

Why didn't Beethoven sell his house?

He put it up Fur Elise!

How many ants does it take to rent a house?

Doesn't matter, ants can't rent a house

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How do you get a blonde on the roof?

Say the drinks are on the house

How can you tell if a hippy came to your house?

He's still there.

What do hand grenades and wives have in common?

Remove the ring and your house is gone.

What does Che Guevara call his house?

Chez Guevara

What did the Russian people light their houses with before they started using candles?

Electricity.

What do a woman and a grenade have in common?

Pull off the ring and the house is gone.

What did the Mexican say when the house fell on him?

Ayyyy watch it homes!

What is a dog's favorite thing about living in a house?

Roofs.

What did Russians used to light their houses with before candles?

Electricity.

What do you get if you play a C&W song backwards?

Your wife back, your house back, your car back, and your dog back.

What kind of house does Fonzie live in?

An "A" frame...

How many disappointments can you fit into a van?

I don't know, I can't get them outside of the house.

Why don't house painters wear wedding rings on the job?

Nobody wants to marry an underemployed alcoholic.

What's the cutest part of a house?

The awning. I know, I'm sorry.

What happened to the Christian family when they didn't pay their exorcist?

THEIR HOUSE GOT REPOSSESSED!

Why couldn't the NSA agent leave his house this Winter?

He was Snowden.

What did the hippie say when you told him to leave your house?

Namaste

How can you tell if a hippie has been at your house?

He's still there.

How do you get to Matthew McConaughey's House?

All right, all right, all right..

How did Sarah Palin see Russia from her house?

She didn't, it was just an Aleutian.

Why are the corners the warmest part of every house?

Because they're 90 degrees!

How do you know if a hippie was at your house?

He's still there.

What happens if you don't pay the priest who exorcises your house?

He'll re-possess it

How do you know you let a hippie stay at your house?

He's still there.

What do you get if you squash a house?

A flat.

Why didn't Edward leave his house?

Because he was Snowden.

What did the pink panther have all over his house after he fumigated for insects?

Dead ants... dead ants... dead ants, dead ants, dead ants, dead ants, dead aaaaantsss

What do you call an incredibly well-dressed punk?

The Speaker of the House

What do you call houses who have good behavior?

Manors.

How do you keep the Kansas City Chiefs away from your house?

Paint a goal line on your driveway.

What happened to the fireman who let the house burn?

He got fired.

Why did Walter White not pay for his pizza?

Because it was on the house.

Why couldn't the whistleblower leave his house?

Because he was Snowden

How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. Once the bulb goes out, they replace the house.

How do you know if hippies have been in your house?

They are still there.

What's it called when Hobbits build houses for other Hobbits?

Hobbitat for Humanity

What did the beaver say when his house burned down?

Damn

What happens if you play a country song backward?

You get your house back, your dog back, your wife back, and you sober up.

What did the hippie say when I asked him to leave my house?

Nah, I'm-a stay.

How do you get the walls of your house as bright as they can possibly be?

Use LED based paint.

How many Apple Geniuses does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, we just swap out your whole house

Who's there! Alistair! Alistair who?

Alistairs in this house are broken!

When is the most likely time that a stray dog will walk into your house?

When the door is open!

What's a poker player's favorite sitcom?

Full House.

Why didn't the Smurfs fit in the house?

There wasn't mushroom.

What do you get if you play a C&amp?

W song backwards? Your wife back, your house back, your car back, and your dog back.

Why do birds live in nests?

Because they can't afford houses in this economy.

Why couldn't SpongeBob get a mortgage?

Because his house was underwater.

Why can't ewoks yell in the house?

Because they have to use their Endor voices.

What do women and hand grenades have in common?

When you pull the ring off, your house goes away

What do you call a dead chicken that's haunting your house?

A poultrygeist

How do you know your house had chicken pox?

It has shingles.

When I bring you breakfast in bed, why can't you just say "thank you"?

Instead of all this "how did you get in to my house " calling 9-11 business.

Why did the blonde climb up to the roof of the bar?

She heard that the drinks were on the house.

How do Mexicans warm their houses in the winter months?

Central Fajiting.

What's the difference between a house cleaner and a thief?

The way they enter your house.

Why did Thoreau build a house?

Because he wanted to be walled-in.

What kind of house does cheese like to live in?

A cottage

Why won't the witch let the traveling pig actors into her gingerbread cottage?

She's afraid they'll bring down the house.

How did you get into my house?

Business.

Why are hurricanes named after women?

Because they arrive wet and wild then leave with your house and car

How many skunks do you need to make a house really smelly?

Just a phew!

What do you call a fissure in the earth that houses old Russian rulers who like to mock others ironically?

Tsar-Chasm

What part of the house does a ghost not use?

The living room

What is stronger an elephant or a snail?

A snail because it carries it's house an elephant just carries its trunk!

How does a vampire enter his house?

Through the bat flap.

What do you call a horse that has been kicked out of his house?

Unstable.

What does a fire, flood, earthquake, tornado, hurricane, and a wife have in common?

Sooner or later, one of them is probably going to get your house.

Why is it called a "litter" of puppies?

Because they mess up the whole house!

What do you do if your bank account stops working?

Throw the guy out of the house.

What do you call an actor that has just paid off his house?

Mortgage Freeman

What's the difference between a toilet and a sink?

Aaaand you're not allowed in my house anymore.

What did the body-builder say after his house got robbed?

No whey...

What did the homeowners of house haunted by windows have?

Phantom panes.

What's the best side of the house to build a deck on?

The outside

What do you call a house that changes every month?

A Werehouse.

What do teddy bears like to have in their houses?

Fur-niture.

When is a strange dog most likely to go into your house?

When the door is open.

What does a musician use to build a house?

A tuba-four

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Black Guy Jokes More Black Guy Jokes

What is long and hard for a black guy?

Third grade

What do you say to a black guy in a suit?

Will the defendant please rise!

Cat Jokes More Cat Jokes

What do you get if you cross a cat with a parrot?

A carrot!

What do you call a bunch of cats sitting in a circle?

The purr-rimiter.

White House Jokes More White House Jokes

How many helicopters does it take for White House aides to go play a round of golf?

Depends on how many were photographed.

What did Richard Nixon say after he tried to make dinner at the White House for the first time?

I am not a cook

Know Jokes More Know Jokes

What is the difference between a terrorist hideout and a school?

How should I know? I just fly the drones.

What's the final digit of the square root of 2 (2)?

I don't know, sometimes radicals can be irrational.

Ask Jokes More Ask Jokes

Whenever a waiter asks, "Do you want to hear about our specials?

Push the menu aside and softly whisper, "I want to hear about you."

Why didn't The Terminator upgrade to windows 10?

I asked him and he said, "I still love vista, baby!"

Matter Jokes More Matter Jokes

What's large, grey and doesn't matter?

An irrelephant.

What happens when something travels faster than the speed of light?

Does it matter?

Theme Jokes More Theme Jokes

What did The Terminator say when he was invited to a music themed fancy dress party?

I'll be Bach.

Why hasn't Nintendo released a Mario themed basketball video game?

Because Japan isn't good at basketball.

Insurance Company Jokes More Insurance Company Jokes

What did the insurance company say to the applicant?

THIS ISN'T EVEN MY FINAL FORM!

What do you get when you mix an insurance company with an NFL quarterback?

An Aflacco