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What did the hippie say when I asked him to leave my house?

Nah, I'm-a stay.

Everyday Deserves a Joke

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What did the newsletter say to the other newsletter when he asked for help?

Bro sure!

What did the inn keeper say to the Big Dipper when he asked if he could rent a room?

Sorry this is only a four star hotel.

What did Larry McMurtry say when his neighbor asked to borrow a bar of soap?

He said "Sure! I could loan some Dove".

When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?

I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people......

What is the most common question asked by iPhone users?

Does anyone have a charger I could use

How do you know you're in a modern art museum?

If you need to ask if the bench is an art piece.

Why didn't the dentist ask his secretary out?

He was already taking out a tooth

Why do they ask you if you would like paper or plastic at the grocery store?

Because baggers can't be choosers,

What did the commitment averse monster truck announcer say to his girlfriend when she asked him, "When are you going to finally ask me to marry you?

SOMEDAY ###SOMEDAY! ###SOMEDAY!!

When you ask me a question, would you prefer the blank stare or the eye roll as a response?

I like to be prepared.

Couple's Daily Question Mug

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How many women have you slept with?

She asked. I said, "Do you want me to round it to the nearest ten " "Oh, I say. Go on then." she laughed. I said, "0."

What does a bro say when asked if he needs help doing a magic trick?

Nah brah, tadah brah!

Why all Pascal programmers ask to live in Atlantis?

Because it is below C level.

What happened when the man asked the salesman for a good belt?

O.K. you asked for it" the salesman said as he gave him a good belt.

How can we build this?

A business major asks, "How can we finance this " A liberal arts major asks, "Do you want fries with that "

When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich?

Here's what she said to me: GO TO SLEEP.

What did Anakin say when the princess asked for his credit card?

Naboo

How do you ask a dinosaur to lunch?

Tea Rex

How do you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber?

Ask them to say the word, "unionized".

Why do Vampires make poor project managers?

Because the refuse you to meet with stake holders. (why yes, I am a dad why do you ask)

I've Got a Whole Latte Jokes

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What did the potato ask the cow?

Give me some milk, and we can make mashed potatoes.

Who's there! Chair! Chair who?

Chair you go again asking more questions!

How does a mathematician ask for money?

Give me 10! dollars

Why do people ask "what the hell were you thinking"?

Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it

Why is PBS asking me for money?

If I had money I wouldn't need to pretend crow migration habits are good entertainment.

Why did the mathematician bring home 24 eggs from the grocery store?

Because when he asked his wife how many eggs to buy, she said 4!

What did the snake say when another asked him the time?

Don't asp me!

What does a quantum physicist tell their toddler who keeps asking "Why" over and over?

Because I saw so.

How many flys does it to take screw in a lightbulb?

Two, but don't ask me how they got in there.

How flexible are you?

He asked. I can't do Tuesdays. -Tommy Cooper

When someone tells me they're a bodybuilder, I always ask "Not the Dr. Frankenstein kind, right?

Because you can never be too careful.

When you wife asked you to buy her car, why did you buy her a diamond instead?

Because I couldn't find a fake car.

What a BLONDE will ask the doctor in the maternity ward?

"Is it mine?"

What are these?

Me: The synonym rolls you asked for. Wife: CINNAMON.

What did the depressed, illiterate pepperoni slice say when asked where he was with his life?

Well it pizza heck out of me.

How does Sean Connery ask for Worchestershire sauce?

X-post from askreddit) Worsheshershershosh.

What did Ryu say when I asked if I could have some of his food?

SHORYUKEN***

Why does it take 100 million sperms to fertilize one egg?

Because they won't stop to ask directions.

Why are you always tired, Dad?

My 3-year-old asked as she woke me from a nap by poking me in the eye.

Why do Blondes wear padded shoulders?

So they don't get a concussion while bobbing their from head side to side as they are saying "I don't know " whenever you ask them a question.

Why did Moses wander in the desert for 40 years?

Even then men wouldn't ask for directions!

Which side is it best to lie on?

She asked. "The side that pays your fee" replied the doctor.

How many PA's does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Nine........one to do it and eight others to wish they'd been asked.

What happened when a ghost asked for a brandy at his local pub?

The landlord said "Sorry we don't serve spirits."

Why do people keep asking me what I'm going to be doing in three years?

I don't have 2020 vision.

What do you call it when one piece of coal asks another piece of coal out to dinner?

Carbon dating.

What's the easiest way to end a friendship?

Just asking for a friend

What do you get if you ask a former presidential candidate to write a piece of music about a formula for solving a problem based on a sequence of specified actions?

An algorithm.

Why you ask?

If it was any longer it wouldn't be a foot

Whenever I meet a Jim I ask, "is that short for Jimberly?

And I have few friends in real life.

Why aren't you married yet" is like asking "Why haven't you jumped from a moving car yet?

B/c it's painful and not required

How many Sagittarians does it take to change a lightbulb?

Look ask me when I get back from India okay

What did the yogi say to his friends when they asked him to leave?

Nah I'ma stay

How many tourists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Six: One to hold the bulb and five to ask for directions.

What were you before you came to school boys and girls?

Asked the teacher hoping that someone would say "babies." She was disappointed when all the children cried out "Happy!"

What did Shakespeare ask his doctor when he was afraid he had tuberculosis?

TB or not TB, that is the question.

How do you feel?

Asks the fluoride ion. "Positively shell shocked" the sodium ion replied.

Whenever I'm bored I stop a stranger and ask "where am I?

And whatever they say I runaway screaming "Hahaha I'm a genius! I can teleport!"

How many times can you celebrate a 29th birthday before people catch on?

Asking for a friend

Why are we here?

Me: Philosophers still don't know 5: No, why are we HERE Wife: Your dad is lost and won't ask for directions

When asked which is more important looks or brains?

9 out of 10 zombies said "braaaaiiiiinnnnssss" number 10 ate the researcher.

How can you tell if a person works in HR or IT?

Ask them to pronounce the following: **HIRES**

How can you tell if someone's a redditor,in real life?

Ask them if they're on reddit. I'm sorry.

When a cop pulls you over and asks, "Papers?

Answer "Scissors." then drive away..

What would Fred Flintstone say if you asked him which city had the Burj Khalifa, the tallest building in the world?

Abu Dhabi Dooooooo!

When the cop asks you "Do you know how fast you were going?

Do NOT respond with "I know, right!"

When someone asks "You know what I think?

I say "Yes I do". End of discussion.

What country are you from?

I asked. "Iraq" he said. "How did you escape " I asked. IRAN

When I was a little boy I asked my mum 'how many is a couple?

She replied 'oh, two or three' Now I know why her marriage didn't last long

What hotel does Link always ask for?

HYATT

What do you get when you mix Fascism and Communism?

I don't know, that's why I was asking you.

What will it be for you, my friend?

The vendor asks. "Make me one with everything"

What'd u ask Santa for 6: a speed boat M: like a Lego boat?

6: no M: oh for the bath 6: no M: the pool 6: *doesnt break eye contact* no

What do you do when your Apple device gets warm?

Ask apple to open the backdoor.

When your boss asks you "do I look stupid to you?

It's a rhetorical question I know this now

How do you ask someone if they're Vegan?

You don't need to, they'll tell you

What would Arnold Schwarzenegger say if you asked him his favorite holiday?

You have to love Easter, baby." (OC)

What did the one electron say to the other when it asked it out on a date?

Get outta here, I'm not attracted to you!

What's a magazine?

Asked every guy under 30.

What did the Canadian eel say when the bartender asked him if he'd had enough?

No, I think I'd like some more-ay.

What did Shakespeare say when asked how his wife keeps things interesting?

Anne hath a way.

What did baby corn asked mummy corn?

Where's popcorn.

What is Santa's favorite type of cookie?

Ask your dad.

What did Blake Edwards say when asked if he had a roomate?

Yes, I have a rhuuuum, mate!

Who does Luke Skywalker ask to charge his lightsaber?

Char-Jar Binks

When people say "May I ask who's calling?

I like to say "Sure, go ahead."

Why are football players never asked for dinner?

Because they're always dribbling!

What's the nutritional value of an entire tube of cherry Chapstick?

Asking for my two year old.

What was Arnold Schwarzenegger's answer when asked which historical person he would like to play in a movie?

I'll be Bach.

How do you get three drunk, rowdy Canadians out of a pool?

Ask them to get out of the pool.

How do you make $3 million in 48 seconds?

Ask Ronda Rousey!

What do Mexicans cut their pizza with?

I asked, "What " He said, "Little Caesars!"

When two bears asked a pastor to marry them in the forest, what did he say?

Hold on, let me get my bear rings.

How did I get here?

I'm sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house...taking a shower.

What did Ernie say to Bert when he asked for ice-cream?

Sure, Bert!

What's the worst part about locking your keys in your car outside of a Planned Parenthood?

Going inside to ask for a coat hanger.

Why do people always ask me for directions?

I have no clue where I am going. I am sure i have sent 100's of people into the ocean.

What did Mr T say when asked if he had any wool?

Yes sir, yes sir, three bags, fool.

When she got in front of the judge he asked, "first offender?

She replied, "No. First a Gibson, second a Fender."

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What's one profession that doctors, lawyers, even the king of Saudi Arabia and the presidents of the USSR and US bow their heads to?

Barbers.