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What did the newsletter say to the other newsletter when he asked for help?

Bro sure!

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What are they gonna do?

Ask you to extinguish your celery Doubtful.

What's the difference between a Afghanistan wedding and a terrorist training camp?

Don't ask me, I'm just the drone pilot.

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What excuse does an Ape give for abducting a pretty girl?

I can't help it - she brings out the beast in me!

What's white, digs holes in your garden and helps with headaches?

A paracetamole!