Help Jokes

Why was Doughman the only hero to rise up and help?

Because he was kneaded.

What university department did the Fonz go do when he needed help paying his tuition?

Financial Ayyyyyyd I'll

Why are you late?

Teacher: Why are you late? Student: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill. Teacher: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it? Student: No. I was standing on it.

When two ants want to run away and get married, who do they seek for help?

The Antelopes.

What animal do psychiatrists bring in to mental hospitals to help patients with social anxiety?

Squirrels they're the best at getting nuts out of their shells.

What did the pamphlet say to the booklet when it asked for help?

Bro sure!

What did the hammer announce over the intercom to the evacuating screws screaming for help?

This is not a drill!

How can working with cow hide help on a first date?

As if she's going to lay there and be swayed by some new buck.

What is your best sushi-related joke or pun?

My dad and I are going out for sushi tonight, and he has rescheduled this dinner with me several times for dumb reasons (one night was because he randomly decided to go out drinking instead). Would love to get my revenge by making sushi puns and jokes all night, but Google is failing me--I've only been able to find jokes that either make no sense, or are just not funny at all. Help!

What are your favorite jokes for the Holidays?

For those of us that struggle with our family perhaps this will help break the ice.

What TV personality lives in your phone?

SIM Card-ashian! (it might help if you say it out loud)

$Your Age Is Only Math$

April Sale

Your Age Is Only Math

$5.99

What's your emergency?

Boy: Hello? I need your help! 911: Alright, What is it? Boy: Two girls are fighting over me! 911: So what's your emergency? Boy: The ugly one is winning.

What do call an ant that helps you with your taxes?

An account-ant.

How many Canadians does it take to change a light bulb?

Just two. One to politely ask and the other to politely help.

What did the black kid say to his mom when he had diarrhea?

Help! I'm melting!

What did Han Solo say when Leia asked for help with a crossword clue?

I don't know

Why do happy people like to sleep in late?

Because they aren't mourning people. I just made this up!! Could you all help me with the wording? It feels like it could be a little better I just don't know how to word it differently while using the same "mourning" pun as the punch line.

Why did Olly call the manager for help, outside the store?

For the watch..

Why doesn't God want to argue with Satan?

Because Satan has more politicians to help him.

What is trees' preferred drug?

Water. It helps them get high.

What are some good Asian jokes you know?

I read some jokes from this sub to my Asian co-worker and she wanted me to ask if you guys have some good Asian jokes to help us get through the rest of the work day.

April Sale

We've Got This Love Thing Down

$5.99

What's white, digs holes in your garden and helps with headaches?

A paracetamole!

How do you turn a computer into a zombie?

Send it a byte. Kind of lame but I couldn't help myself.

Why do I always sit in the back of an airplane?

Cos iv never heard of an airplane reverse into a mountain... ill help myself out...

Whats the last letter in the alphabet?

Somebody help plz I need help on kindergarten project

What do you call a person who helps teach others to fart?

A tooter. (thanks, honey)

Why did Einstein refuse to help people fix their cars?

Because his colleagues would call him the Quantum Mechanic.

What did the dolphin say when three orcas swam by?

Whale, whale, whale, who do we have here? Please, this is a cry for help.

What did Donkey Kong say when Mario asked him for help for some schoolwork?

I D K

Why do fire departments have dalmatians?

To help the firemen find the hydrants

What's your favorite joke appropriate for a 6-8 year old?

I am a ski instructor and I've recently been teaching these two boys who are 6 and 8 year old brothers. I realized today that I know zero jokes appropriate enough or funny to this demographic. I feel like they think I am super boring. Give me some help to make the chairlift more exciting!!

April Sale

Love

$5.99

What do you call a bus driver who helps old people and parents with children on and off the bus?

A stand up driver.

Why is it important to have plenty of help when changing a light bulb?

Many hands make light work.

What did the newsletter say to the other newsletter when he asked for help?

Bro sure!

What do you call a family of redheads?

Gingerbread. Edit: This is more of an out-loud joke. So, maybe it'll help if it read: "Ginger-bred" instead.

What do women and Slinkies have in common?

Not much, but you can't help but crack a smile when see some tumbling down the stairs.

Why do you want to be a psychiatrist?

Pictures clients acting like chickens after I click my fingers* I want to help people

What will Ryan Lochte say if he looses "Dancing With the Stars"?

I was robbed" Sorry, that just came to me like a stroke of idiotic genius and I couldn't help myself.

What place of business helps dogs who have lost their tails?

A retail store.

Why did he refuse help?

He was in The Nile

What's the most important meal of the day to help you lose pounds?

Brexit

How can I help you sir?

One clothes please!

What did the man say when the calculator agreed to help him load the car?

I KNEW I COULD COUNT ON YOU

Which vitamin best helps a Pokémon breed?

PP Up.

What does a bro say when asked if he needs help doing a magic trick?

Nah brah, tadah brah!

Where can I donate to the American Red Cross?

I would like to help with house #7.

What kind of fish will help you hear better?

A herring aid!

How do you help a lemon?

Lemon-aid.

What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a boy scout?

A boyscout who helps little old ladies hop across the street.

Why do people congratulate you when Mom is the one making the baby?

Me: I helped 5: How Me: 5: Me: I read her the instructions

What did you learn in kindergarten today?

5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember. Apparently she learned bribery.

What helps keep your teeth together?

Toothpaste.

How can you help a starving cannibal?

Give them a hand!

What are the three biggest lies an Oklahoma State fan tells?

I WON this belt buckle, I OWN that truck, and I swear to God I was just helping that sheep over the fence.

What's a man idea of helping with the housework?

Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.

What did the kangaroo say when her baby was missing?

Help! My pocket's been picked!

What did one hand say to the other?

Help, I think I'm in glove".

What do ya call a bunch of guys breaking into a music store and helping themselves to the stringed instruments?

Luters.

Why didn't the Duke of Windsor let his French servant help him tie his tie?

He never does it with a four-in (foreign)-hand.

How can I help you?

Me: "Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List!" Agent: "Umm..." Me: "DAMMIT, HE'S STARVING!"

Why did Muhammad hire Moses to help with his start-up?

He wanted to double his prophets.

How do you help a choking pig?

With the Ham-Lick maneuver of course

What did the horse say when he fell over?

Help! I've fallen and I can't giddy up.

How do you help a sick ghost feel better?

Give it a BOO-quet of flowers!

Why are shopaholics so hard to help?

They can be very "clothes"-minded about the problem.

Where did they go?

Who took them Why aren't we helping to find them

What has 4 legs in the morning, 2 legs in the evening and 6 legs at night?

I've trapped it in my bedroom, send help...

What will Tesla build this Christmas to help santa deliver presents?

An elf driving car

Why do you keep going back to that fishing website?

I can't help it I'm hooked.

Why did it take three burly Boy Scouts to help the old lady across the street?

Because she didn't want to go.

Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?

Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Which wizard can help you tone up your arms and upper body?

Dumbbelldor.

Why is it hard to hold a speech at a nudist convention?

It does not help to imagine people in their underwear.

What did the French fry say to the police officer?

Help me! I've been a-salted!

Why do blondes always die before help arrives?

They always forget the "11" in "9-1-1".

How can that help in this job?

You do the math

Why did the music industry talent scout take a course in game programming?

He thought it would help him with his hit detection.

Why did the 2 contractors hire a pilot to help survey their land?

Because they really wanted a third's eye view!

What did the black kid with diarrhea say to his mom?

Help! I'm melting!

What is lemonade?

When you help an old lemon across the street.

What does Leia say when she needs help?

I think I could use a Han here.

What do Bernie Sanders and the Statue of Liberty have in common?

Common people sent both of them pennies to help build a foundation for liberty.

When I get mad at you, you never fight back.How do you control your anger?

WIFE: I clean the toilet.... HUSBAND:How does that help WIFE: I use your toothbrush.

Who are all these people Twitter wants me to follow?

Has the fail whale been stalking me. Help, stranger danger!

What do you call the international program that helps clowns with their personal space problems?

Clowns Without Borders.

Why did the dyslexic escapologist join the International Socialists?

A. because he wanted to help untie the human race.

Why couldn't anyone help the tortilla?

He didn't want to taco 'bout it

What is the deadliest bear?

Seriously... I don't know the punchline to this, help me out.

Why did the Islamic woman die when she fell into the ocean?

She thought to yell for help, but her husband was nowhere around to grant her permission to do so.

What excuse does an Ape give for abducting a pretty girl?

I can't help it - she brings out the beast in me!

What'd you do?

PERSON: Ran a half-marathon and helped my pal move. You ME: I talked to like 4 people.

Which former pop star would be most likely to help deliver a baby?

Paula Ab-doula

What's red like a strawberry, hard like beef jerky, smells like vinegar, and is found under your bed?

Me neither. Help.

What's your answer?

Whispers into microphone* Please help me, I don't even know these people

What's the difference between a Thai man and a Thai woman?

Pls help.

How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?

BART: I don't know where my hair starts

How do you know it was an Irishman?

Because I had to help him.....

Why does the Coast Guard have ultraviolet lights?

To help them find missing sea men.

Why did the TSA hire a dentist?

To help with the cavity searches

What do you call a cowboy who helps out in a school?

The deputy head!

You might also enjoy:

Stand Jokes More Stand Jokes

Help Jokes

Why was Doughman the only hero to rise up and help?

Love Card

What university department did the Fonz go do when he needed help paying his tuition?

Why are you late?

When two ants want to run away and get married, who do they seek for help?

What animal do psychiatrists bring in to mental hospitals to help patients with social anxiety?

What did the pamphlet say to the booklet when it asked for help?

What did the hammer announce over the intercom to the evacuating screws screaming for help?

How can working with cow hide help on a first date?

What is your best sushi-related joke or pun?

What are your favorite jokes for the Holidays?

What TV personality lives in your phone?

Your Age Is Only Math

What's your emergency?

What do call an ant that helps you with your taxes?

How many Canadians does it take to change a light bulb?

What did the black kid say to his mom when he had diarrhea?

What did Han Solo say when Leia asked for help with a crossword clue?

Why do happy people like to sleep in late?

Why did Olly call the manager for help, outside the store?

Why doesn't God want to argue with Satan?

What is trees' preferred drug?

What are some good Asian jokes you know?

We've Got This Love Thing Down

What's white, digs holes in your garden and helps with headaches?

How do you turn a computer into a zombie?

Why do I always sit in the back of an airplane?

Whats the last letter in the alphabet?

What do you call a person who helps teach others to fart?

Why did Einstein refuse to help people fix their cars?

What did the dolphin say when three orcas swam by?

What did Donkey Kong say when Mario asked him for help for some schoolwork?

Why do fire departments have dalmatians?

What's your favorite joke appropriate for a 6-8 year old?

Love

What do you call a bus driver who helps old people and parents with children on and off the bus?

Why is it important to have plenty of help when changing a light bulb?

What did the newsletter say to the other newsletter when he asked for help?

What do you call a family of redheads?

What do women and Slinkies have in common?

Why do you want to be a psychiatrist?

What will Ryan Lochte say if he looses "Dancing With the Stars"?

What place of business helps dogs who have lost their tails?

Why did he refuse help?

What's the most important meal of the day to help you lose pounds?

How can I help you sir?

What did the man say when the calculator agreed to help him load the car?

Which vitamin best helps a Pokémon breed?

What does a bro say when asked if he needs help doing a magic trick?

Where can I donate to the American Red Cross?

What kind of fish will help you hear better?

How do you help a lemon?

What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a boy scout?

Why do people congratulate you when Mom is the one making the baby?

What did you learn in kindergarten today?

What helps keep your teeth together?

How can you help a starving cannibal?

What are the three biggest lies an Oklahoma State fan tells?

What's a man idea of helping with the housework?

What did the kangaroo say when her baby was missing?

What did one hand say to the other?

What do ya call a bunch of guys breaking into a music store and helping themselves to the stringed instruments?

Why didn't the Duke of Windsor let his French servant help him tie his tie?

How can I help you?

Why did Muhammad hire Moses to help with his start-up?

How do you help a choking pig?

What did the horse say when he fell over?

How do you help a sick ghost feel better?

Why are shopaholics so hard to help?

Where did they go?

What has 4 legs in the morning, 2 legs in the evening and 6 legs at night?

What will Tesla build this Christmas to help santa deliver presents?

Why do you keep going back to that fishing website?

Why did it take three burly Boy Scouts to help the old lady across the street?

Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?

Which wizard can help you tone up your arms and upper body?

Why is it hard to hold a speech at a nudist convention?

What did the French fry say to the police officer?

Why do blondes always die before help arrives?