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What does Shaggy ask himself when he's in a bind?

What would Scooby Doo

What's the first thing the pope did after resigning?

Asked Jerry Sandusky for his lil black book.

What did the grocery store owner say to the customer that asked him if he sold tires?

He shrugged and said, "I've got asparagus."

What did one bodybuilder ask the other?

How much do you whey bro

When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself "what would The Hulk do?"

Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!

What products do you use for grooming?

She asked me. Her face looked quite taken aback when I said, "Facebook"

What did Gandhi say to the British, after they asked him to move?

Nah, mastay

What should you do if a bird poos on your car?

Don't ask her out again

What did the judge ask when he went to the dentist?

Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth

Why do I need the life vest?

Me: If you have to ask, you might not need one.

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Why does my computer always ask me if I'm "sure" about stuff?

Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.

What did Pitbull ask for Christmas?

Dolly.

What's your favorite kind of music?

Asked one windmill to another. The windmill responds, "I'm a metal fan."

How can you tell a chemist from a plumber?

Ask them to pronounce "unionized".

Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it's already on?

Stop talking in secret code.

What do you do if you lose all the information on your computer?

Ask the NSA for a backup.

What did my roommate say when I asked him if he wanted to watch the movie The usual Suspects?

Is it about black people

When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why?

She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.

When ur at chipotle n u ask for guac and they say "its extra is that ok?

If u say its not ok they give it to u for free

Why aren't you doing very well in history?

Because the teacher keeps asking about things that happened before I was born!

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How many women have you slept with wife asked husband, "How many women have you slept with?

He proudly replied, "Only you, Darling. With all the others I was awake."

What's the worst thing about being a Jehovah's witness?

Nobody asks, 'who's there ' when you try and tell a knock knock joke.

How was your interview?

Munnu: It went good, but lastly they asked me show them my testimonial. Chunnu: So Munnu: I think I showed them the wrong thing.

How do you tell the difference between a scientist and a plumber?

Ask them to pronounce unionized.

How can you tell a gamer from a rugby player?

Ask them if they play league.

Why did the Band Geek ask the Football star for tips?

Because he's a waiter. (lol)

What did the Canadian say when asked what he thought about stereotypes?

Eh.

A man asks a trainer in the gym: "I want to impress that beautiful girl, which machine can I use?"

Trainer replies: "Use the ATM"

Where can you go on Reddit to ask questions?

Not /r/movies.

When someone ask me... How are you?

I answer back... You mean in bed

When one points and asks his friend, "Is that statue a foot?

To which his friend replies, "No, it's about four and a half feet."

How many Chinese workers does it take to make a Smartphone?

I dunno. Ask the kids.

Why don't you play with your friends?

He asked. 'Because I only have one friend' the girl replied. 'And I hate her.'

What did the Redditor say when... What did Redditor say when asked why he failed his PSAT test?

TL;DR

Whats worse than Bad command or File name?

Windows update message asking you to restart your computer

Why did the college student ask for a refund on his student loan?

Because his *degree* didn't work!

Whenever a waiter asks, "Do you want to hear about our specials?

Push the menu aside and softly whisper, "I want to hear about you."

How do you spell wrong?

R o n g. That's wrong. That's what you asked for isn't it

What did the pig do when a beetle landed in his feed trough?

He ate it quickly before the others could ask him to share.

When she asks "is that your puppy?

Say "No. That's my dad." Then storm off.

What did the wall ask the picture?

All together now!) ***"How's it hangin' "*** Skip

How many 1st AD's does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Why are you asking me that question Can't you see I'm busy!

What did the llama say when asked to a picnic?

Alpaca lunch!

What is Blair Walsh's favorite song?

I have no idea honestly, you would have to ask him

When the bartender asks you what's in a Ryan Lochte?

Just say "I don't know, make something up"

What did the doctor tell a welder when the welder asked if his girlfriend(a pilot) using alternative lube was giving him erectile dysfunction?

Jet fuel can't melt steel beams

What does a blonde say when you asked her what the last two words of the national anthem are?

Play ball.

What does the neckbeard say when asked what he did last weekend?

M'laundry.

How many women have you slept with My wife asked me, "How many women have you slept with?

I proudly replied, "Only you, Darling. With all the others I was awake."

How do you spell ichael?

The teacher was rather bewildered. "Don't you mean Michael " she asked. "No ma'am. I've written the 'M' already."

Why did Yoda never get married?

Because when he was standing by alter, and asked "If he would take this women as his lawful wedded wife " His response was "Do I "

What did the Mexican princess ask her sister?

Tijuana build a snowman

What tool does a black lumberjack use?

An ask. (Explanation: Because most black people say ax for ask, it is swapped around.) Came up with it by myself, how did I do

Who did the philosophy major ask out for the Halloween dance?

Nobody. He was too 'Freud.

How do you know if your friend, "Doesn't even OWN a TV?

Because it's this answer to every question you ask them. "Did you hear about the President's new policy on... " "I don't even OWN a TV!"

How many reps would you usually do?

He asked. "A million," I rep lied.

Which is farther away- NY City or the moon?

Sister: NY City. Why do ask Brother: Well I can see the moon but I can't see NY City.

When people go to ask me "hey man, are you from Los Angeles?

I'll be like "nah dude,I just really like the French feminine definite article"

What did the vulture say when the airline agent asked if he wanted to check his luggage?

No, thanks, it's just carrion...

Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex?

Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.

When I have complicated problems I always ask myself, what would my imaginary wife do?

And then I end up buying myself cupcakes, and shoes.

What does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is working?

Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No.

Why do you think I spend too much time at my computer?

Well dear... Every time I ask you to close the windows you answer with "Please wait while your computer shuts down"...

What did Sherlock ask his friend when he wanted to know what they were having for dinner?

Watson the menu

What did Julius Caesar ask when finding a color to paint the Senate?

Ecru, Brute

What does COINCIDENCE' mean?

Student Funny, I was just going to ask you that.

What did the German say when the Spaniard asked him for some cheese?

Mi Kase es su Kase.

What did the World Chess Champion ask Michael Jackson?

Do you want to be black, or white

When the cashier asks me "Is that everything?

I feel like crap inside because obviously my order didn't satisfy her.

Why didn't the skeleton ask out the Zombie to go to the Halloween party?

He didn't have the guts

What makes you think you can criticise American gun laws, sitting over there in the UK?

I was asked on an internet forum. "Because you're not allowed to take them on planes," I answered.

What's the difference between toilet paper and a knife?

Oh, you don't know I won't ask you to wipe my bum then.

How do you get stuck in an annoying conversation with a stranger?

Ask someone vaping if you can bum a cigarette.

How many women are necessary to change a lightbulb?

One... but, what does it matter if she will ask a man to do it!

Why shouldn't you ask Jon Snow what time it is?

Because his watch has ended.

What's the difference between Isis hostages and Isis terrorists?

Don't ask me, I just fly the drones...

When my laptop asks "Are you sure?

It's because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.

What's the first thing an Owl asks when you trow a rock at it?

HOOO did that!

When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I'm the guy that asks, "So, what did she say?

I'm funny that way.

What did the Mexican student say when he was asked to turn in his essay?

I ain't no snitch.

What do you ask from Santa Claus this year?

Oh, just 50 dollars, like always.

What is Samsung PR team's Christmas jingle you ask?

The phone we gave you is frightful, But the fire is so delightful; And since we have no replace to go, Let it blow! Let it blow! Let it blow!

How do I know he was French, do you ask?

He went oui, oui.

What does a guy want more than anything in the world?

It doesn't matter. He has to ask his wife first.

How much will that be?

Asks the neutron. "For you " replies the bartender, "no charge."

What did the banana peel say when asked what happens after it's thrown into the compost pile?

IDK, i'm just a banana.

What laxative did the constipated man ask for?

Poop-ease

Why are criminals so good at basketball?

They shoot first and ask questions later.

How do you tell the difference between a computer scientist and an aspiring music artist?

Ask them what 'unsigned' means.

How many people does it take to change a light bulb?

Is just one of the questions I should have asked before buying a lighthouse....

How do you ask a priest to hand you the spaghetti?

Pasta pasta, pasta.

What did the blonde's mother say when she asked if she could lick the bowl?

Just flush it like everybody else does.

How many ladybugs does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, but don't ask me how they got in there.

How does a seamstress reply to someone asking her how her day was?

So,so.....

When someone asks, "How are you?

I say, "5-7-8-3" because they don't care how I am & saying my ATM Code out loud helps me memorize it.

Why is it best to ask photographers personal questions at night?

X-post r/photography) Because they open up when it gets dark.

How many mosquitoes does it take to screw in a light bulb?

2...and don't ask me how they got in there. (My 87 year old grandma just told me this one)

Who likes music?

Asks a commander. - Two soldiers step forward. - All right. I bought a piano. Take it to my apartment on the fourth floor.

What State do you go to to ask questions?

Al-ask-ya

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