Difference Jokes

What's the difference between a church bell & a politician?

A church bell peals from the steeple.

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Whats the difference between me and a calendar?

A calendar has dates.

What's the difference between a politician and an actor?

One acts solely for money, the other is the actor.

Whats the difference between a watermelon and a baby?

One is fun to smash with a sledgehammer and the other one is a watermelon

What's the difference between a school teacher and a train?

A school teacher tells you to spit out your gum, a train says choo choo.

What's the difference between iron-man and iron woman?

One is a superhero and the other is a command.

What's the difference between a computer and a woman?

A computer only has to have information punched into it once.

Whats the difference between Mick Jagger and a Scottish farmer?

Mick Jagger sings eh you, get offa mai cloud, but the Scottish farmer says eh McLeod, get offa mai ewe!

What's the difference between a tease, a love, and a lust?

Spit, swallow, gargle.

What's the difference between a violin and a viola?

A viola burns longer.

What's the difference between a four year old and a baggie of cocaine?

Eric Clapton wouldn't let a baggie of cocaine fall out the window.

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What's the difference between Yogurt and L.A.?

Yogurt has a live and thriving culture.

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a newspaper bag?

One is made of plastic and poses a suffocation hazard to small children. The other one contains newspapers.

Whats the difference between Santa and Tiger Woods?

Santa stops at 3 Ho's (sorry if it's a re-post)

What is the difference between a dollar and LeBron James?

LeBron James doesnt give you 4 quarters.

What is the difference between confident and confidential?

Dad says: "You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my son, THAT is confidential."

How do you tell the difference between a chemistry professor and a politician?

Just ask them to read this word: unionized.

What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a supermodel?

Nothing if her husband knows what's good for him!

What's the difference between LinkedIn and McDonald's?

McDonald's knows how to use salt

What's the difference between toilet paper and shower curtains?

If you answered "I don't know." I would like to tell you that I spent all day cleaning that mess up.

What is the difference between a sociopath and a buddhist?

A sociopath sees people as things a buddhist sees things as people.

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What's the difference between a four year old and a bag of cocaine?

Eric Clapton would never let a bag of cocaine fall out a window.

Whats the difference between the FAA and a jet engine?

The engine stops whining after the plane lands.

What's the difference between toilet paper and the shower curtain?

So you're the one.... (only if you answered "i don't know")

What is the difference between Coors Light and a lake?

The can

What's the difference between Whitney Houston and my car?

My car can make it to 50.

What's the difference between Tiger Woods and Princess Diana?

Tiger Woods had a better driver!

What is the difference between a pub and an elephant fart?

One is a bar room, and one is a Barooooooooooooom!

What's the difference between The Rolling Stones and a Scottsman?

The Rolling Stones say "Hey! You! Get off of my cloud!" And a Scottsman says "Hey McLeod, get of me ewe!"

What is the difference between a Mother and Wife?

One woman brings you into this world crying and the other ensures you continue to do so.

What's the difference between the 9/11 attack and a dairy cow?

You stop milking the cow after ten years.

Whats the difference between a watermelon and baby?

One's really fun to smash with a sledge-hammer and the other is just a watermelon

What's the difference between a blonde and a supermarket trolley?

The supermarket trolley has a mind of its own.

What's the difference between Iceland and Ireland?

A consonant.

Whats the difference between Chinese people and racism?

Racism has many faces

What's the difference between a piano, a tuna fish, and a pot of glue?

You can tuna piano, but you can't piano tuna.... What about the pot of glue I knew you'd get stuck.

What is the difference between rat poison and diet coke?

Diet coke has better advertising.

What is the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet?

The Christmas alphabet has NO EL.

What's the difference between a moose and an ant?

A moose has antlers, but an ant doesn't have mooselers.

What's the difference between MLK day and St Patrick's day?

Nobody minds being Irish for one day!!!!

What is the difference between the people in Dubai &amp?

The people in Abu Dhabi? The people in Dubai don't watch The Flintstones, but the people in Abu Dhabi Do!

What's the difference between Princess Diana and Tiger Woods?

Tiger Woods has a better driver

What's the difference between redneck newlyweds and two variables in a dataset?

The variables aren't necessarily related.

What's the difference between real life Friends and the cast of the show Friends?

The ability to binge watch Friends with your friends.

What is the difference between an elephant and a flea?

An elephant can have fleas but a flea can't have elephants!

What's the difference between your mom and a washing machine?

If I dump a load in a washing machine it doesn't follow me around for the next few weeks.

What is the difference between a Windows Phone and a brick?

One is a brick and the other is a brick with a screen

What's the difference between a bag of cocaine and a four-year old child?

Eric Clapton never would have let his bag of coke fall out of a 49th-story window!

What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well dressed man on a bicycle?

A-tyre

What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?

The color.

What is the difference between unlawful and illegal?

One is against the law and the other is sick bird.

What's the difference between a car salesman and a computer salesman?

The car salesman can probably drive!

What's the difference between one yard and two yards?

A fence.

What's the difference between an Isis camp and an orphanage?

I don't know, I just fly the drone

What's the difference between a USB and the USA?

One connects to all your devices and accesses your data, the other is a harware standard.

What's the difference between a bag of cocaine &amp a small child?

Eric Clapton would never let a bag of cocaine fall out of a window...

What's the difference between a optimist, a pessimist and a realist?

The optimist sees the light at the end of the tunnel. The pessimist sees nothing. And the realist sees the train.

Whats the difference between an original joke and a repost?

I dunno, i just click submit

What's the difference between a Canadian and an Italian?

Where the "eh" is in the sentence. Canadian: "How you doin, eh " Italian: "Eh! How you doin "

What's the difference between a bus driver and a cold?

A bus driver knows the stops and a cold stops the nose.

What's the difference between a mining company and priests?

A mining company puts miners in shafts.

Whats the difference between a piano, a tuna, and a bottle of glue?

Anyone can tuna piano, but nobody can piano a tuna!

What's the difference between a tuna and a piano?

You can tuna piano but you cannot piano a tuna.

What's the difference between swine flu and bird flu?

For swine flu you need "Oinkment", for bird flu you need "Tweetment".

What's the difference between Batman and Martin Brodeur?

Batman isn't wearing hockey pads.

What's the difference between St. Patrick's Day and Martin Luther King Day?

Everyone pretends to be Irish on St. Paddy's Day.

How do you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber?

Ask them to say the word, "unionized".

What's the difference between an astronaut and a NASA intern?

One's constantly preparing for lunch.

What's the difference between a poorly-dressed man on a unicycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?

A tire.

What's the difference between a teenager and a radioactive element?

Radioactive elements last longer.

What's the difference between a punchline and a cute girl?

Sometimes I get the punchline

What's the Difference Between a Hormone and a Pheromone?

You can't hear a pheromone.

What's the difference between an American student and an English student?

About 3000 miles!

What is the difference between the avian flu and the swine flu?

One requires a tweetment and the other need an oinkment.

What's the difference between a movie rental machine and several prehistoric towns?

One is Redbox, the others are Bedrocks.

What's the difference between a violin and a fiddle?

You can spill your beer on a fiddle.

What's the difference.... Between my girlfriend and santa?

Some people actually believe santa exist.

What's the difference between a Chickpea and a Garbonzo bean?

I wouldn't let a Garbonzo bean all over my face.

What's the difference between a religious revival and a bikers rally?

At a religious revival, they say "STAND UP FOR JESUS" At a bikers rally, they say "SIT DOWN FOR CHRIST'S SAKE"

What's the difference between an entomologist and an etymologist?

An etymologist knows.

What is the difference between a thief and a church bell?

One steals from the people the other peals from the steeple.

What's the difference between a blonde and a solar powered calculator?

The blonde works in the dark!

What's the difference between a frog?

One leg's both the same.

Why does the letter "r" make all the difference between Friday and Sunday?

Payday vs prayday.

What's the difference between a public park and a public toilet?

I need to know before my court date on Monday.

What's the difference between The Rolling Stones and a Scottish sheep farmer?

One says, 'Hey! You! Get off of my cloud!' The other says 'Hey! MacLeod! Get off of my ewe.'

What is the difference between a crazy bunny and a counterfeit banknote?

One is bad money and the other is a mad bunny!

What's the difference between a headmaster and a poisonous snake?

You can make a pet out of a snake!

What's the difference between a good joke and click bait?

This isn't a good joke.

How to you tell the difference between an elephant and a mouse?

Try picking them up!

What's the difference between a formally-dressed man riding a unicycle and a casually-dressed man riding a bicycle?

Attire.

What is the difference between Saint Patrick's Day and Martin Luther King Day?

On Saint Patrick's Day everybody wants to be Irish.

What is the difference between the substance inside a fire hydrant and the substance on the outside of it?

H20 is on the inside, and K9P is on the outside.

What's the difference between a hunter and a stalker?

The hunter has to wait until it's in season!

What's the difference between a toilet and a graveyard?

Nothing. When you have to go, you have to go.

What's the difference between Bing Crosby and Walt Disney?

Bing sings and Walt Disney.

What's the difference between the jokes I read today, and the jokes I read last week?

The posters

What's the difference between yogurt and America?

Yogurt could develop a culture after 200 years

What's the difference between an orange?

One of them doesn't.

How do you tell the difference between an elephant and a rhinoceros?

Second Kangaroo: The elephant has a better memory.

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