How's the ventriloquism going?

ME: Not good. WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book. ME: I don't think he read it.

Put both of them in the trunk of your car...drive around...open the trunk and see who is happy to see you.

What do you think of my tweets?

Wife: They're all pretty terrible. Me: Don't you have ANYTHING positive to say Wife: You're consistent.

How do you tell the difference between the staff and the inmates at a psychiatric hospital?

The patients get better and leave. Not everyone of the patients thinks he is God. The staff have the keys!

What's your Mom's name?

Kid: Mom's last name must be "Darling" because that's what Daddy calls her every time.... Teacher: That's so sweet. What's her first name then? Kid: I think it's "Sorry"....

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How many Carpathians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

I don't know, Vigo and see. (best read in Yanosh's voice)

What are you going to do with your time, now that you're retired?

I'm going to finish my book." "I didn't know you were writing a book." "I'm not, I'm reading one."