Read Jokes

How do you read the Gospel According to Shrek?

Open your Bible to Psalm BODY ONCE TOLD ME

Couple's Daily Question Mug

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Why was Joe disappointed when he read the newspaper in Washington?

There were no jokes in the Post.

Why did I stop reading M.C Escher books on the bus?

Because I always get weird stairs

What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an unwilling agnostic, and a dyslexic?

Somebody who stays up all night torturing himself mentally over the question whether or not theres a dog.

What happened to the performer who read poetry to terminally ill patients?

He suffered an elegiac reaction.

What kind of newspaper do cows read?

The Moo York Times

Why does Reddit have so many reposts?

Because you already read-it.

What's the biggest lie of the Universe?

I Have Read and Agree to the Terms of Service.

Why is the second traffic citation always easier to read?

Because it's re-fined!

How can you tell that truckers like nuts?

They always have pecans! (Read aloud)

Why Is Reddit Called Reddit?

Because you already read it.

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How does a lawyer sleep?

First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other. Credit: Nicholas Sparks from his book 'See Me' which I am reading now.

What do you call someone who reads in the sun?

Well Red.

Why couldn't Pikachu read his book?

Because he was dyslectric.

Why are so many Italians named Tony?

Because when they immigrated from Italy, customs stuck a label on their lapel reading ToN.Y.

What does the torch represent in the hand of the Statue of Liberty?

The torch is a symbol of her inability to read in the dark.

Who reads the news AND makes coffee?

Katie Keurig. (I know the setup might need some work but I just like the punchline I made up.)

Why did KGB officers always travel in threes?

One who could read, one who could write, and the third to watch over those two dangerous intellectuals.

What did the Irishman text his Wife?

Honey I'm down at the pub having a pint with the lads. Be home in about 30 min. If I'm not back by then please read this message again.

What limitations does braille have? Can it represent everything that we read using the alphabet?

Very limited fonts.

What is the definition of a Freudian slip?

When you say one thing and mean a mother. Don't remember where I heard it. Haven't read it here yet.

I've Got a Whole Latte Jokes

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What do mathematicians read for fun?

Conics

Why do old people read the Bible so much?

I asked my grandad the other day "why do old people read the Bible so much?" He replied "cause we're cramming for finals"

What will never be read in braille?

Do not touch.

Why can't Sean Connery read November?

Because he hasn't Read October.

Why do soviet policemen travel in groups of three?

One to read, one to write, and one to keep an eye on the two intellectuals.

What did the doctor do after he finished reading the book?

He removed the appendix!

How would you write do not touch in Braile?

A. With copper wire and strong electric current. (read it in a shower thoughts thread)

Why is Dave Mustaine described as "heavy metal"?

Because he sings lead. (Better read than said.)

Why did the man use deodorant to fix a broken window?

He read that it was an invisible solid.

What do good dragons read when they are pregnant?

How to Train Your Dragon. Good parenting, that is.

Why do Russian police officers always work in groups of three?

One of them can read, and one of them can write. The third one is there to keep an eye on the two intellectuals.

What does a blind person read in church?

Holy Braille

What did the man say when he couldn't get the gun to fire?

Looks like I'm gonna have to read the trouble shooting section of the manual.

How many Carpathians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

I don't know, Vigo and see. (best read in Yanosh's voice)

What did Helen Keller say after being handed a cheese grater?

That's the worst book I ever read.

Why was 11 afraid of 12?

Because 12 13 14!

How do you know which bear to talk to in a bar?

You have to read ursine.

How do you tell the difference between a chemistry professor and a politician?

Just ask them to read this word: unionized.

What do you call a family of redheads?

Gingerbread. Edit: This is more of an out-loud joke. So, maybe it'll help if it read: "Ginger-bred" instead.

Why does Helen Keller wear tight jeans?

So people can read her lips.

What do you call someone who knows all?

Nostril-damus. &ampnbsp Works better if you read the joke out loud.

Why do the KGB operate in groups of three?

A. "One can read, one can write and one to keep an eye on the two intellectuals."

What kind of book did Frankenstein's monster like to read?

One with a cemetery plot.

Where would an eccentric beverage go if it wanted to watch married couples fight and read high quality humor columns?

To the Drink Quirks Wed Fight.

How did Mister Baggins know when his neighbor had died?

He read it in the Hobbituary.

What did Helen Keller say when she picked up a cheese grater?

That was the most violent book I've ever read..........

Where would an eccentric beverage go if it wanted to watch married couplesfight and read high quality humor columns?

To the Drink Quirks Wed Fight.

What was Mark Hamill's reaction when he finished reading The Force Awakens script?

Speechless

What's the difference between the jokes I read today, and the jokes I read last week?

The posters

How can you tell the difference between a can of chicken soup and a can of tomato soup?

Read the label.

Why don't you put an advert in the paper?

Zoo Keeper:"Don't be silly he can't read!"

Why didn't you obey that stop sign?

Driver: I don't believe everything I read.

Whoa. There are books on TAPE?

Now I can stop reading while I drive. This is gonna save so many lives.

What did the Illuminati say when they tried to read someone's mind, but failed to do so?

Curses, foiled again!

What are you reading?

Pupil: I dunno! Teacher: But you're reading aloud! Pupil: But I'm not listening!

What happened to wendy on her way to neverland?

She peed her pants (read out loud)

What do animals read in zoos?

Gnus papers.

What book is better when you read it drunk?

Tequila Mockingbird.

What are you going to do with your time, now that you're retired?

I'm going to finish my book." "I didn't know you were writing a book." "I'm not, I'm reading one."

What is the scariest thing to read in braile?

Do not touch

How do computers learn to read?

C:/ Dos C:/ Dos Run Run Dos Run

How do you annoy a Worldnews redditor?

Comment after reading the article.

Why are Twitter jokes not as funny when you read them aloud to a friend?

It's not like they had to be there...

What is a double-blind study?

Two orthopaedists reading an electrocardiogram.

How do you know when someone's read the Game of Thrones books?

Don't worry, they'll tell you.

Why accountants don't read novels?

Because the only numbers in them are page numbers.

What's the scariest thing a blind person can read in Braille?

Danger: Do not touch

What did they call the man who knew how to read maps?

A legend

Why won't you read this joke?

Cause you've already reddit!

How much would you say you read the Bible?

Well, I don't read it religiously." Bud-dum tss, I hate myself.

Why does your little brother jump up and down before taking his medicine?

Boy: Because he read the label and it said 'shake well before using.'

What's black white and read all over?

A newspaper.

Why do they print nutritional information on Snickers bars?

If you don't know candy is bad for you, what are the chances you can read

How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"

What's the most frighting thing you can read in braille?

Do not touch.

Why do the undead read cringe stories?

Because they're already... DEAD INSIDE.

Why were the proctologist's emails so hard to read?

Too many colons.

What do blind trains read?

Raile!

What is this fly doing in my alphabet soup?

Waiter: Probably learning to read.

What thoughts do Blondes have after reading these jokes?

None as usual... and they most likely didn't understand them either.

What's the program jedi use to read pdf files?

Adobe Wan Kenobi

Who were the first people not to read the apple ToC?

Adam and Eve

How do snowmen read their e-mails?

With an icy-stare!

What did the Mexican fire chief call his 2 sons?

Hose A and hose B (read it out loud)

Why are you reading the last pages of your history book first?

Pupil: I want to know how it ends!

How to you read a book?

Just reddit.

How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it?

Just another reason to teach your cat to read.

Who Wants to be a Millionaire messes up while reading the question?

A Regis Error.

How do you know ancient Egyptians loved books so much?

Because they built their stuff with reads!

What 8 letter word is read the same way backwards and forwards?

Dyslexia

What do New York McDonald's employees and people who read Ulysses have in common?

Liberal Arts Degrees.

What newspaper do cows read?

The Daily Moos.

Why could the drunk man only move left?

The officer hadn't read him his rights.

What's a cats favorite thing to read?

A CATalog

What's the worst thing to read in Braille?

Don't touch this.

What is the anthem for Scottish Engineers?

"All the Single Laddies" Edit: Read it carefully

What reads and lives in an apple?

A bookworm!

What do cats read in the morning?

Mewspapers!

What do cows read at the breakfast table?

The moospaper!

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How does a New York University psychology major turn on his lights in the morning?

By opening the car door.

Who's there! Canon! Canon who?

Canon open the door then