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Read Jokes

How do you read the Gospel According to Shrek?

Open your Bible to Psalm BODY ONCE TOLD ME

I've Got a Whole Latte Jokes

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I've Got a Whole Latte Jokes

How can you tell you have a really bad case of acne?

It is when the blind try to read your face

What did the headlines read after the midget fortune-teller escaped from jail?

Small medium at large.

What book does the Queen of England read to get herself into a raunchy mood?

50 Shades of Earl Grey

What did Plaxico Burress say when he read Colin Kaepernick's Tweets?

Man, this guy just keeps shooting himself in the foot".

Why was Joe disappointed when he read the newspaper in Washington?

There were no jokes in the Post.

Why did I stop reading M.C Escher books on the bus?

Because I always get weird stairs

What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an unwilling agnostic, and a dyslexic?

Somebody who stays up all night torturing himself mentally over the question whether or not theres a dog.

What happened to the performer who read poetry to terminally ill patients?

He suffered an elegiac reaction.

What kind of newspaper do cows read?

The Moo York Times

Why does Reddit have so many reposts?

Because you already read-it.

Couple's Daily Question Mug

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Couple's Daily Question Mug

What's the biggest lie of the Universe?

I Have Read and Agree to the Terms of Service.

Why is the second traffic citation always easier to read?

Because it's re-fined!

How can you tell that truckers like nuts?

They always have pecans! (Read aloud)

Why didn't Hellen Keller learn to lip-read?

The braille left her lips numb.

Why Is Reddit Called Reddit?

Because you already read it.

How does a lawyer sleep?

First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other. Credit: Nicholas Sparks from his book 'See Me' which I am reading now.

What do you call someone who reads in the sun?

Well Red.

Why couldn't Pikachu read his book?

Because he was dyslectric.

Why are so many Italians named Tony?

Because when they immigrated from Italy, customs stuck a label on their lapel reading ToN.Y.

What does the torch represent in the hand of the Statue of Liberty?

The torch is a symbol of her inability to read in the dark.

Everyday Deserves a Joke

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Everyday Deserves a Joke

Who reads the news AND makes coffee?

Katie Keurig. (I know the setup might need some work but I just like the punchline I made up.)

Why do girls always get mad when I try to read their shirts?

It's not my fault I'm blind.

Why did KGB officers always travel in threes?

One who could read, one who could write, and the third to watch over those two dangerous intellectuals.

What do you say when you are trying to scare your girlfriend?

Boo bae! (Read aloud please)

What did the Irishman text his Wife?

Honey I'm down at the pub having a pint with the lads. Be home in about 30 min. If I'm not back by then please read this message again.

What did Christian Grey say when he read reviews of his movie?

People did not like my movie. I guess I am 50 shades of letdown... But I can sure GET UP"!

What limitations does braille have? Can it represent everything that we read using the alphabet?

Very limited fonts.

What is the definition of a Freudian slip?

When you say one thing and mean a mother. Don't remember where I heard it. Haven't read it here yet.

What do mathematicians read for fun?

Conics

What do you call Kim Jong-Un reading a Stephen King novel?

Fearless Reader

$Your Age Is Only Math$

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Your Age Is Only Math

Why do old people read the Bible so much?

I asked my grandad the other day "why do old people read the Bible so much?" He replied "cause we're cramming for finals"

What will never be read in braille?

Do not touch.

What are some good Asian jokes you know?

I read some jokes from this sub to my Asian co-worker and she wanted me to ask if you guys have some good Asian jokes to help us get through the rest of the work day.

What do I do after I die?

Idk EDIT: Read the letters out loud

Where does Khal Drogo keep his DVDs?

In Yeah you'd probably only get this if you read ASOIF but the joke came to me randomly.

Why can't Sean Connery read November?

Because he hasn't Read October.

What is the best offensive joke you have? Can you make me laugh?

Read all the other threads. I need new content. The old stuff is getting, well old. Here's my contribution. Have you head of the new drinking game? The mike brown special: stand there and take 12 shots. What's the difference between mike brown and a college kid? College kids can handle more shots before they fall down.

Why do soviet policemen travel in groups of three?

One to read, one to write, and one to keep an eye on the two intellectuals.

How do you confuse Hellen Keller?

Give her a basketball and tell her to read it.

What did the doctor do after he finished reading the book?

He removed the appendix!

How would you write do not touch in Braile?

A. With copper wire and strong electric current. (read it in a shower thoughts thread)

Why is Dave Mustaine described as "heavy metal"?

Because he sings lead. (Better read than said.)

Why did the man use deodorant to fix a broken window?

He read that it was an invisible solid.

What do good dragons read when they are pregnant?

How to Train Your Dragon. Good parenting, that is.

Why do Russian police officers always work in groups of three?

One of them can read, and one of them can write. The third one is there to keep an eye on the two intellectuals.

What does a blind person read in church?

Holy Braille

Why did the blind driver have no hands?

He was reading road signs at 50 miles per hour

What did the man say when he couldn't get the gun to fire?

Looks like I'm gonna have to read the trouble shooting section of the manual.

How many Carpathians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

I don't know, Vigo and see. (best read in Yanosh's voice)

What did Helen Keller say after being handed a cheese grater?

That's the worst book I ever read.

Why was 11 afraid of 12?

Because 12 13 14!

How about a dirty one as well?

Want to hear a clean joke? Bob took a bath. With Bubbles. Want to hear a dirty joke? (Punchline hidden so you don't accidentally read)

How do you know which bear to talk to in a bar?

You have to read ursine.

How do you tell the difference between a chemistry professor and a politician?

Just ask them to read this word: unionized.

What do Chinos say when you take them off?

This was incredibly clever when I first thought of it but then I did some research...the closest they get to being Italian is that George Clooney was a "pioneer" for them: Reading that makes me never want to wear them again.

What does a redditer say when he reads a joke on r/jokes?

We saw that same joke two days ago

What do you call a family of redheads?

Gingerbread. Edit: This is more of an out-loud joke. So, maybe it'll help if it read: "Ginger-bred" instead.

What do you call someone who knows all?

Nostril-damus. &ampnbsp Works better if you read the joke out loud.

Why do the KGB operate in groups of three?

A. "One can read, one can write and one to keep an eye on the two intellectuals."

What kind of book did Frankenstein's monster like to read?

One with a cemetery plot.

Where would an eccentric beverage go if it wanted to watch married couples fight and read high quality humor columns?

To the Drink Quirks Wed Fight.

How did a blind woman drive herself crazy?

A. Trying to read a stucco wall.

How did Mister Baggins know when his neighbor had died?

He read it in the Hobbituary.

What did Stevie Wonder think when he got a cheese grater for Christmas?

That it was the most violent book he'd ever read.

Where would an eccentric beverage go if it wanted to watch married couplesfight and read high quality humor columns?

To the Drink Quirks Wed Fight.

What did you learn in school today Son: How to write Mother: What did you write?

Son: I don't know they haven't taught us how to read yet!

Why do people congratulate you when Mom is the one making the baby?

Me: I helped 5: How Me: 5: Me: I read her the instructions

Why did the Polish couple decide to have only 4 children?

They'd read in the newspaper that one out of every five babies born in the world today is Chinese.

What was Mark Hamill's reaction when he finished reading The Force Awakens script?

Speechless

What's the difference between the jokes I read today, and the jokes I read last week?

The posters

When she read the order back to me she said, "So, you have one thick sausage, anything else?

I looked her dead in the eye and replied, "Yes, I also ordered a pizza."

How can you tell the difference between a can of chicken soup and a can of tomato soup?

Read the label.

Why don't you put an advert in the paper?

Zoo Keeper:"Don't be silly he can't read!"

Why would they add "twerk" to the dictionary?

People that would use said word can't read.

Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL?

Here's what I've learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.

What do Green Eggs and Ham, and Fifty Shades of Gray have in common?

They both encourage people who can barely read to try new things.

Why didn't you obey that stop sign?

Driver: I don't believe everything I read.

Whoa. There are books on TAPE?

Now I can stop reading while I drive. This is gonna save so many lives.

What is cosmetics?

Cosmetics is a woman's means for keeping a man from reading between the lines.

How does a Russian Aeroflot pilot navigate?

By reading street signs.

What did the Illuminati say when they tried to read someone's mind, but failed to do so?

Curses, foiled again!

What are you reading?

Pupil: I dunno! Teacher: But you're reading aloud! Pupil: But I'm not listening!

What happened to wendy on her way to neverland?

She peed her pants (read out loud)

What do animals read in zoos?

Gnus papers.

What book is better when you read it drunk?

Tequila Mockingbird.

What are you going to do with your time, now that you're retired?

I'm going to finish my book." "I didn't know you were writing a book." "I'm not, I'm reading one."

How's the ventriloquism going?

ME: Not good. WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book. ME: I don't think he read it.

What is the scariest thing to read in braile?

Do not touch

How do computers learn to read?

C:/ Dos C:/ Dos Run Run Dos Run

How do you annoy a Worldnews redditor?

Comment after reading the article.

Why are Twitter jokes not as funny when you read them aloud to a friend?

It's not like they had to be there...

What is a double-blind study?

Two orthopaedists reading an electrocardiogram.

How do you know when someone's read the Game of Thrones books?

Don't worry, they'll tell you.

Why accountants don't read novels?

Because the only numbers in them are page numbers.

What do you call someone who can't stop reading Nancy Drew novels?

A heroine addict.

What's the scariest thing a blind person can read in Braille?

Danger: Do not touch

When you ask her "Have you ever read Shakespeare?

And she answers "No, who wrote it ".... Keep moving.

What did they call the man who knew how to read maps?

A legend

Why won't you read this joke?

Cause you've already reddit!

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Midget Fortune Teller Jokes More Midget Fortune Teller Jokes

What do you call a midget fortune teller that just escaped from prison?

A small medium at large.

What do you get when you have a midget fortune teller on the loose?

A small medium at large.

Newspaper Jokes More Newspaper Jokes

Why was Joe disappointed when he read the newspaper in Washington?

There were no jokes in the Post.

What kind of newspaper do cows read?

The Moo York Times

Ask Jokes More Ask Jokes

What's black and white and can't turn around in a corridor?

A nun with a javelin in her throat. (The only joke I can ever recall when asked for one. Told to me by my art teacher in Grade 11. Needless to say, he was my favourite teacher)

What did the pirate say when asked how old he was?

Aye Matey!

Funeral Jokes More Funeral Jokes

What Journey song to Chinese people sing at funerals?

Don't Stop Bereavin'

What happened at the funeral of the man who invented the USB?

They lowered his coffin, took it out, flipped it the other way round, then lowered it again.

Teacher Jokes More Teacher Jokes

What do you call a teacher that's always late?

Mr. Bus (think about it)

Whatever's the matter?

Asked her mother. 'I don't know' replied Mary 'but the teacher thinks I may have caught decimals.'

Gospel Jokes More Gospel Jokes

How do you read the Gospel According to Shrek?

Open your Bible to Psalm BODY ONCE TOLD ME

Which gospel contains Jesus' parable about the shades of numbers?

Math hue.

Headline Jokes More Headline Jokes

What were the headlines like when the shovel was invented?

There's been a ground breaking discovery...

What's the difference between a newspaper and a cocaine addict?

One has headlines, and the other gives head for lines.

Face Jokes More Face Jokes

What do you call a guy going down on a girl with a smile on his face?

A Gladiator

What a glum face what would you say if I came to school with a face like yours?

Pupil: I'd be too polite to mention it!