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How much would you say you read the Bible?

Well, I don't read it religiously." Bud-dum tss, I hate myself.

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Why does Bernie Sanders write in lowercase letters?

Because he hates capitalism.

Why do strippers hate roofers?

They always pay in shingles.

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How accurate is the Bible?

100% at short range

What's the first sign of football in the Bible?

Jesus going up for the cross!

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What newspaper do cows read?

The Daily Moos.

Why didn't you obey that stop sign?

Driver: I don't believe everything I read.