Bible Jokes

What do you call a short priest reaching for his bible that's on the top shelf?

Christina Ricci.

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How do you read the Gospel According to Shrek?

Open your bible to Psalm BODY ONCE TOLD ME

Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?

In the big inning. Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain struck out Abel. The Giants and the Angels were rained out.

What is Bill and Ted's favorite book of the bible?

Duderonomy! They also like Leviticus.

Why do feminist hate the bible?

Because it ends with A-men

How do you starve a right wing christian?

Hide their money in their bible.

Why did the bible cross the street?

To get to the other genocide.

Why do writers hate the bible?

It has terrible characters, Noah is the only one with an arc.

What was the first mention of soccer in the bible?

When Jesus went up for the cross.

What's the difference between a cow and The Bible?

You can't milk a cow for 2,000 years.

What was the first reference to pole vaulting in the Bible?

When Jesus cleared the temple.

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Why do old people read the bible so much?

I asked my grandad the other day "why do old people read the bible so much?" He replied "cause we're cramming for finals"

What's the first sign of football in the bible?

Jesus going up for the cross!

What's long and thick and turns conservative women on?

The Bible

What's the difference between a psychotic mental patient and a man with a bible in his hand?

Respiridol

Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible?

When Joseph served in Pharaoh's court

Why is it hard to sell bibles in Germany?

Because it's a Nietzsche Market.

How do you keep an idiot busy for 3500 years?

Give them a bible

Who is the richest person in the Bible?

The Pharao's daughter. She went to the bank of the Nile to pick up a little prophet.

Why did the macaroni cross the street with a bible?

Because it's a pastor)

Who was the best actor in the bible?

Samson he brought the house down!

What's the best fantasy book?

A bible

When is the Bible accurate?

When it's thrown from a short distance.

Who were the shortest people in the Bible?

Let's see. There'sKneehighmiah, Bildad the Shoe-Height...oh, and Peter, who said, "Silver andgold I have none," and no one could be much shorter than that.

Which part of the Bible won't you find a black man?

The Book of Job.

What Bible verse keeps every student going?

Lunch 11:35.

What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?

A. Honda...because the apostles were all in one Accord.

How much would you say you read the Bible?

Well, I don't read it religiously." Bud-dum tss, I hate myself.

Where is tennis mentioned in the Bible?

Where Joseph served in Pharaoh's court.

Whats the most unlikely line to read in the bible?

The characters in this book are entirely fictional.

Where do you find the Bible in a library?

Fiction".

What do you call a burning Bible?

Holy smokes.

Which servant of Jehovah was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?

A. Moses. Because he broke all 10 commandments at once.

What if the Bible had a major typo and the Devil was really after our SOIL?

Maybe he just wants to grow some pot plants.

What is the most successful spinoff ever made?

The Bible

Who was the best financier in the Bible?

Noah. He floated his stock while the whole world was in liquidation.

How accurate is the Bible?

100% at short range

What do you call a Bible for the blind?

The Holy Braille!

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Abel Jokes More Abel Jokes

Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?

In the big inning. Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain struck out Abel. The Giants and the Angels were rained out.

Who's there! Abel! Abel who?

Abel to see you ha ha!

Shrek Jokes More Shrek Jokes

What did Shrek say when the waiter dropped off his food at the German Restaurant?

Donkey!" (Danke) You gotta say it with the shrek accent to work.

How do you read the Gospel According to Shrek?

Open your bible to Psalm BODY ONCE TOLD ME

Ask Jokes More Ask Jokes

What does a quantum physicist tell their toddler who keeps asking "Why" over and over?

Because I saw so.

What light through yonder window breaks?

ME:Well if you'd just sod off like I asked, I wouldn't have to throw lamps at you.

Final Jokes More Final Jokes

What do you call a group of millionaires sitting around watching the NBA finals?

The Lakers. (Laker fan here. Sorry prob would have been more appropriate last week during the finals.) Edit: I heard this some where the other day. I can't take credit for the joke.

What happens if the protesters in Egypt win?

They advance to the finals against Tunisia.

Old People Jokes More Old People Jokes

What has 5 teeth and 60 eyes?

A bus full of old people

What kid of music do old people listen to?

Hip-Pop

Tell Jokes More Tell Jokes

What's the new baby hippo's name?

Hippopotamus keeper: I don't know he won't tell me.

How can you tell a black lady is pregnant?

When she pulls the tampon out and the cotton is already picked.

Cross Jokes More Cross Jokes

What do you get if you cross an Egyptian mummy with a car mechanic?

Toot and Car Man.

Why did the pillow cross the road?

Because it was cooler on the other side.

Second Jokes More Second Jokes

What do you call it when you second guess your decision to book a stay at a Native American resort?

A reservation reservation reservation. Credit to Brian Regan, this is my favorite joke of his!

What is 10 years with me?

Wife:What is 10 years with me Husband:A second. Wife:What is $1000 for me Husband:A coin. Wife: Ok give me a coin. Husband:Wait a second