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What is this fly doing in my alphabet soup?

Waiter: Probably learning to read.

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How do you know which bear to talk to in a bar?

You have to read ursine.

What did the man say when he couldn't get the gun to fire?

Looks like I'm gonna have to read the trouble shooting section of the manual.

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Why didn't the girl cry after learning of her boyfriend's leprosy diagnosis?

She didn't have a shoulder to cry on!

Why do pirates take so long to learn the alphabet?

Because they often spend years at C EDIT: made it more punny

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What's this fly doing in my soup?

The waiter responds, "The backstroke."

Why did the DJ get fired as a waiter?

Because he'd drop everything

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What is today's special at Google's employee cafeteria?

Alphabet Soup.

How did Jeffrey Dahmer make alphabet soup?

With 26 characters he met at a party.