Why can't Sean Connery read November?

Because he hasn't Read October.

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Who reads the news AND makes coffee?

Katie Keurig. (I know the setup might need some work but I just like the punchline I made up.)

How did Mister Baggins know when his neighbor had died?

He read it in the Hobbituary.

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What happened when Sean Connery bought himself a little kitten?

The cat shat on the mat.

What time does Sean Connery show up to wimbledon?

Tennish

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How many absurdist/surrealist comedians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

November.

Why can't Sean Connery read November?

Because he hasn't Read October.