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Week Jokes

Why is Friday the best day of the week?

Its the 5/7 day of the week

We've Got This Love Thing Down
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We've Got This Love Thing Down

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How do you ruin a joke?

By reposting it every week!

What has one eye but can't see?

A blind man...

What's the best part about getting a puppy?

Getting new shoes every week.

What's the difference between a PC gamer and a console player?

One spends 400 dollars on a console that will play games for years, the other pays 400 dollars for a graphics card that will be outdated in a week

Where should you take your cat, if it somehow loses its tail?

Walmart, they're the world's biggest retailer. Thank you. I'll be here all week.

What's an American's favourite day of the week?

Fryday.

What's the difference between a blonde and a washer?

When you dump your load in a washer, it doesn't follow you around for a week.

What's the difference between a necrophiliac and someone with a granny fetish?

A couple of weeks

Where's your bin?

A man sees that his neigjhbnour doesn't have his wheeled trash bin. "Hey bub, where's ya bin" "I took a little vacation for a few weeks," "No. I meant where's your bin?" "Told ya, vacation, at the beach!" "No man. Where's ya wheely bin?" "Ok, fine! I've wheely been to jail! Happy now?"

What is a lesbians favorite day of the week?

Tuesday

Your Age Is Only Math
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Your Age Is Only Math

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How does Walter Palmer like his eggs?

Poached. Thank you, I'm here all week. EDIT: this got no upvotes and I don't think it deserved any

How many retweets to let me take your sister to prom?

A student walks up to his friend a week before prom and asks, "Hey, how many Twitter retweets do i have to get to take your sister to prom?" His friend says, "Dude, she was abducted! She's been missing 3 weeks, you know this!" The student says, "So you're saying if i find her, i can take her?"

What did the tiger say to the detective?

I'm not lion. Ill be here all week...

What is the dirtiest day of the week?

SaTURDay

How do you keep a turkey in suspense?

I'll get back to you in a few weeks

What do you call a group of millionaires sitting around watching the NBA finals?

The Lakers. (Laker fan here. Sorry prob would have been more appropriate last week during the finals.) Edit: I heard this some where the other day. I can't take credit for the joke.

How many Kings of Spain abdicated last week?

Just Juan

What's the true meaning of a New Years resolution?

Something you do for the first week of the new year.

What's the difference between a washing machine and your mom?

The last time I dumped a load into the washing machine, she didn't follow me around for a week!

How long does it take King Zora to move out of your way?

A week, a week, a week, a week, a week, a week.

I've Got a Whole Latte Jokes
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I've Got a Whole Latte Jokes

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What's the difference between the jokes from today and next week's jokes?

The posters.

How many recovering alcoholics does it take to change a light bulb?

We'll get on it next week

What's the best day of the week to marry your gaming console?

Wednesday

Why was the girl stuck in the revolving door for two weeks?

Cuz she couldn't find the door handle

Why did Kim Jong-il die a week before December 25th?

Because Rudolph is the only deer leader at Christmas.

Why did Clemson choose orange as its team color?

So they could play football on Saturday, go hunting on Sunday, and pick up garbage the rest of the week.

What are the strongest days of the week?

Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.

What award did the kid in a coma for six weeks win?

Atrophy.

What's the difference between the jokes I read today, and the jokes I read last week?

The posters

What happened to the tiger who took a bath three times a day?

After a week he was spotless!

Everyday Deserves a Joke
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Why weren't you at work last week?

Me: Why are you living in the past

What does it mean when a groundhog sees a maple leaf on feb. 02?

Six more weeks of bad hockey!

What would you call an additional day added to the week?

Sumday

What's the longest you've ever stared at your phone without glancing up to look at the road while driving?

For me it's three weeks.

Why do you smell like weed?

Me: How do you know what weed smells like! Busted, mister! You're grounded for a week. Dad: Okaayy

What's the difference between a bad haircut and a good haircut?

About two weeks.

Who's there! Amelia! Amelia who?

Amelia a package last week - did you get it!

What do you call a policewoman who hasn't shaved for a week?

Constable

Why was the virgins' wedding during the middle of the week?

Because Wednesday is hump day.

How do you know when you're turning 40?

When your candy jar is filled with Tums..... My wife just came up with that one... Birthday is next week.. Ugh

Why repent?

I pented just last week.

What do you call enchilada sauce bkessed by a priest?

HOLY MOLE' Thank you, I'll be in r/dadjokes all week!

How the hell would she know?

We only met last week!

How many editors does it take to change a lightbulb?

It was supposed to be in place last week!

What happened to your three week diet?

Player: I finished it in three days!

What's the difference between a sick elephant and seven days?

One is a weak one and the other one week!

What do you get if you cross a labrador and a tortoise?

A dog that will run to the shop to get your paper and bring back last weeks paper!

What do you call a skeleton in fancy attire?

Fashionably late. I'll be here all week.

What do you call a pirate who intentionally sets a fire at sea?

An arrrrrsonist. Thank you. I'll be here all week.

What do you call a 5 year old's knees?

Kidneys! Ha! I'll be here all week folks.

Why is England so special?

Only they can pull out of Europe twice in a week.

Whatever for?

Fred: Then you'd be in a cast for weeks.

Which day of the week do ghosts like best?

Moandays.

What's the Russian President's favorite song?

Putin on the Ritz!" I'll be here all week guys.

What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on?

Do the math! Me: Seriously! It's 2AM and I'm leading a meeting tomorrow

Why do women make better soldiers?

Because they can bleed for a week and not die.

Why did the physicist move across the street from the haunted graveyard?

To observe spooky action at a distance! Thank you, I'll be here all week.

What did Abraham Lincoln say after a two week drunk?

I freed what

Why should a honeymoon only be six days?

Because seven days makes a whole week.

What's a nuns favorite day of the week?

Sununday.

How do the Dallas Cowboys spend their first week at spring training?

Studying their Miranda Rights.

Why are Sharks the only species that get their own week?

I'd totally watch hermit crab week if they had one.

Why did the Country Bear Jamboree bear blush?

Because he was a bear a-singing...... I am at Disney with the kids this week...

What do you call orange juice that looks like apple juice, but tastes like orange juice?

Juice Jenner. I'll be here all week

Who's there! Cannelloni! Cannelloni who?

Cannelloni some money till next week

What are the strongest days of the week?

Saturday and Sunday...the rest are weekdays.

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Find Jokes More Find Jokes

Where do you find an old Onion article?

In thier archives.

Why can't Caitlyn Jenner's kids ever find her?

Because she's Transparent.

Puppy Jokes More Puppy Jokes

What do you call a litter of puppies who've been out in the snow?

Slush Puppies

What's the difference between a puppy and a kernel of corn?

Nothing. They both explode when nuked in the microwave.

Play Jokes More Play Jokes

What's the most difficult instrument for a percussionist to play?

A conundrum

Why can't Thor play the piano or hide n seek with his brother?

He can never find the Loki.

Twitter Jokes More Twitter Jokes

Whats the difference between Game of Thrones and Twitter?

Twitter only allows 160 characters

Why don't Game of Thrones characters tweet with Twitter?

They were ravin' with Raven.

Game Jokes More Game Jokes

Why is Pokemon quite realistic?

Because in the games, Bug-types are effective against Dark-types. Just like malaria in Africa.

What do you call going Doctor to Doctor... What do you call going Doctor to Doctor to figure out what your inflammatory bowel disease is called?

A Game of Crohn's.

Console Jokes More Console Jokes

What console does god use?

Praystation

Why is PC the mustard race?

Because consoles can't ketchup.

Know Jokes More Know Jokes

Why are Mumford & Sons the only agnostic rock band?

Because they don't even know if they believe.

Why did the blonde only smell good on the right side?

She didn't know where to buy Left Guard!

Pc Gamer Jokes More Pc Gamer Jokes

What's the difference between a PC gamer and a console player?

One spends 400 dollars on a console that will play games for years, the other pays 400 dollars for a graphics card that will be outdated in a week

Why can't PC gamers use Uber?

Too many incompatible drivers.