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Miss Jokes

Why did 10 go missing?

Because 9/11.

Love Card

Love Card

Who is he?

Crash Bandicoot God I miss this guy.

What did JFK Jr miss most about Martha's Vineyard?

The runway

What do you call a steak that is a girl?

Miss.Steak

What did the asteroid say when his trajectory missed earth?

I guess I didn't plan it very well!

What did the sniper say to his wife when he came back from work?

I missed you

Why did Edward miss his flight out of Russia?

Because he was Snowden.

Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70?

Because every time she reaches 69 she gets a frog in her throat.

Why is the USA so bad at chess?

Because they are missing two towers.

Why do they put half of the instructions in Spanish?

It drives me crazy. I feel like I am missing out on important information. They should put the whole thing in one language.

What was the Olympic lifter missing from his bar?

Weight for it...

I've Got a Whole Latte Jokes

I've Got a Whole Latte Jokes

Why is stormtrooper always late from work?

He keeps missing his train

What room is missing from almost every house?

A Mushroom

Why didn't the principal of the school for the blind allow his students to go duck-hunting?

He knew that some of them wouldn't miss the blind...

What do you call inexplicably missing aioli?

Awoli.

Why can't a Stormtrooper have a baby?

Because they always miss.

Why can't the train lady have a baby?

Because she's miss carriaged.

Which vitamine are feminists missing?

D

Why did the football coach call his quarterback a hairdresser?

Because he missed a split-end on a curl.

Why can't Americans play chess?

Because they are missing two towers.

How do you know when you're too drunk to drive?

When you swerve to miss a tree and realize it was your air freshener

I Love Pizza & You

I Love Pizza & You

Why do you never see any Stormtroopers as photographers?

They always miss the shot

What does the guy who has been backpacking just a bit too long miss most about home?

A home-cooked shower.

What did Matthew McConaughey yell at the drive that was about to miss his turn?

A right a right a right!

Why couldn't Miss Piggy count to 100?

Because when she got to 69, there was a frog in her throat.

Why can't Miss Piggy count to 100?

At 69 she always gets a frog in her throat.

What kind of vehicle swerved to miss a talking lizard in the road?

Dodged-a-Rango

What do you call a deer missing an eye?

No-eye deer.

How many retweets to let me take your sister to prom?

A student walks up to his friend a week before prom and asks, "Hey, how many Twitter retweets do i have to get to take your sister to prom?" His friend says, "Dude, she was abducted! She's been missing 3 weeks, you know this!" The student says, "So you're saying if i find her, i can take her?"

Why does a dog lick it's balls?

Because they're delicious. What? You've never tried them? You're missing out.

Why did the woman miss the spaghetti train?

Because it went straight pasta.

Everyday Deserves a Joke

Everyday Deserves a Joke

What do you call it when a golfer misses the hole?

Fore-play

What do you call Batman when he misses church?

Christian Bail

Why are there only 49 Miss Black America contestants?

Because none of them want to be Miss. Idaho

What did the boy say when his dog died?

I'm gonna miss you buddy, you were my best friend.

What's a pirate's favourite letter?

A P. Because it's like an ARR, but it's missing a leg.

Why was the composer late for work?

He missed Debussy. I'll just leave.

Who is missing an egg?

There are 27 people in the room but on 53 eggs, you know what that means, someone is missing an egg.

What do you call a bear that is missing all of its teeth??

A Gummy Bear!

Where did the farmer find his missing baby horse?

In the foliage.

Why did Ibuprofen miss his friends?

Because Paracetamol on fire.

Why was the London sperm bank so unsuccessful?

The were only two donors. One came on the bus, the other missed the tube.

What do you call a missing psychic midget?

A small medium at large.

Why was the car naked?

It was missing a tire.

Why do we put a hyphen in a bird-cage?

Pupil: For a parrot to perch on miss.

What if the missing plane is still up there?

What " Did you check the sky "No." See, this is why you'll never advance, Kevin.

Why did the boy who rode his bike over a barbed wire fence miss his music lesson?

Because he'd already done the sharps and flats.

Why couldn't Miss Piggy count to 70?

She got a frog stuck in her throat at 69.

Why did the bat miss the bus?

Because he hung around for too long.

What do armed forces at sea feel when depressed?

The Navy blues What part of the Mac's desktop would seafarers miss when at sea for a loooong time The Dock

Why do Stormtroopers never laugh?

Because they always miss the joke

How many country stars does it take to change a light bulb?

Six-1 to change the bulb and 5 to sing about how much they miss the old one.

What was the only thing missing from phil hughes' last innings?

A duck

How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?

When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..

What does a parent say to their boy who keeps missing the toilet?

Urine trouble.

What's the difference between a tiger and a lion?

A tiger has the mane part missing!

What's the difference between most people and planes?

Most people miss the twin towers.

What's missing from Star Wars 7?

Maybe SPOILER Nobody's limbs.

Which trees miss you the most?

Pine trees

Why were you speeding?

Motorist: I wasn't going to miss seeing myself on "America's Most Wanted."

Whose funeral was this photo taken at?

John, serious tone: "I dunno. Let's see who's missing" possible funniest thing john has said

Why must rabbits never miss dinner?

With out their tea they'd be Rabbis.

Why did the horse miss the joust?

He had the knight off!

What is Lionel Messi's favorite soft drink?

Si, era Missed

What did the kangaroo say when her baby was missing?

Help! My pocket's been picked!

Why did Dracula miss lunch?

Because he didn't fancy the stake.

What do bullets and I have in common?

We don't miss Harambe.

Where are you only allowed to swim if you have red hair, a lip piercing, three brothers, a missing finger, are slightly overweight and have a birthday in December?

The specific ocean.

What did the carnivore say to the vegan?

That's a missed-steak

What do miss Frizzle and the Catholic Church have in common?

They've both been in little boys.

What does Usain Bolt do when he misses the bus?

He waits at the next station

Why arent the Americans playing chess?

They are missing two towers.

Why can't America ever win a chess tournament?

Because they're missing two towers

Why did the Italian miss his dinner?

It'a was'a pasta his bed time

How do you get into these!?

Yo, evolution: You missed one..

Why do stormtroopers never have long distance relationships?

Because they'd miss each other.

What did the farmer say about his missing vegetables?

Lettuce pray they turnip.

What do you do if King Kong sits in front of you at the cinema?

Miss most of the film!

What is your favorite Chuck Norris joke?

My Favorite, When Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone he had three missed calls from Chuck Norris.

Why did the veggie band sound horrible live?

Because they were missing a beet.

What do you call a person who is missing his left eye, left ear, left arm and left leg?

Alright.

Who's there! Cynthia! Cynthia who?

Cynthia you been away I missed you!

What is can't short for?

Pupil: Cannot miss Teacher: and what is don't short for Pupil: Doughnut!

Why couldn't I run the Compressed File?

I was missing the important Bits.

What do you call an octopus that's missing one tentacle?

Octopus Prime.

How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it?

Just another reason to teach your cat to read.

What did the blond do when she missed the 66 Bus?

She took the 33 bus twice instead.

What drives you?

Me: The bus mostly Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning M: missing the bus

Why wasn't toto as excited as dorothy when they traveled the yellow brick road?

He missed the rains down in africa

Why was the robot cold?

He was missing his winter gear

What did the anti-vaccer say to her son?

I miss you.

Why shouldn't violists take up mountaineering?

Because if they get lost it takes ages before anyone notices that they're missing.

What do you call a cow that's missing a leg?

A 3 legged cow

What's the difference between a Stormtrooper and a Zoo Keeper?

The Storm Trooper would have missed Harambe

What happens if Usain Bolt misses his bus?

He waits for it at the next stop.

What do you call a six sided shape that's missing?

A hex-a-gone

Why can't a storm trooper get a girl pregnant?

Because they always miss their target!

Where are the posters?

WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED! In other room *cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*

Why does the Coast Guard have ultraviolet lights?

To help them find missing sea men.

When did you first miss it dear?

Professor: When I reached up to close it after the rain had stopped.

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Egg Jokes More Egg Jokes

Why don't people raid dodo nests anymore?

Because their eggs stinked!

How do feminists like their eggs cooked?

Ovary-Z

Asteroid Jokes More Asteroid Jokes

Why are asteroids so strong when they hit the planet?

Because they take a steroid.

Why are they called hemorrhoids?

Because asteroids was already taken.

House Jokes More House Jokes

Why did Rembrandt lose his house?

Because he was *Baroque*.

Why did Thoreau build a house?

Because he wanted to be walled-in.

69 Jokes More 69 Jokes

What do you call 69-ing in China?

Tu Can Chu

What's the square root of 69?

Ate something.

Universe Jokes More Universe Jokes

Why did Steve Harvey announce Miss Colombia as the Miss Universe winner?

Because he couldn't pronounce Miss Philippines.

Why is the Force like duct tape?

It has a dark side, a light side, and it holds the universe together.

Miss Piggy Jokes More Miss Piggy Jokes

Why can't Kermit and Miss Piggy count to one hundred?

Because every time they get to 69, Miss Piggy gets a frog in her throat.

Why did Miss Piggy call in sick to work?

Because she had a frog in her throat.

People Jokes More People Jokes

What exactly is that?

Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.

What kind of people have the most beautiful eyes?

Beekeepers. Because beauty is in the eye of the beeholder.

Steve Harvey Jokes More Steve Harvey Jokes

Why did Leonardo di Caprio want Steve Harvey to host the Oscars?

He'd get it.

What do Steve Harvey and a dentist have in common?

They're both experts at placing temporary crowns.