How do you know when you're too drunk to drive?

When you swerve to miss a tree and realize it was your air freshener

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Miss Jokes More Miss Jokes

How high can Miss Piggy count?

68, because at 69 she gets a frog in her throat...

Why can't Americans play chess?

Because they are missing two towers.

Know Jokes More Know Jokes

How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them?

Like, did you ask him Because only one of us is screaming right now.

What's the difference between politics and professional wrestling?

In professional wrestling they know what they are doing.

Drive Jokes More Drive Jokes

What's the difference between a golf ball and a Ford?

You can drive a golf ball 200 yards.

Why does the philosopher have an automatic car..?

Because he Kant drive Immanuel.

Tree Jokes More Tree Jokes

What do you call money that grows on trees?

Marijuana

Why do pigs run into trees?

To shake out the alligators. I've never seen an alligator In a tree. That's because the pigs do such a good job.

Realize Jokes More Realize Jokes

What did Ghost A say to Ghost B?

Nothing because ghosts don't exist. Edit:Holy crap I just realized I didn't post this on /r/antijokes.

What did the commander say when she realized that she had left Matt Damon on Mars?

I have left my Mark on Mars

Air Jokes More Air Jokes

Whats green and flys through the air?

Super Pickle

What is dead on its back, 100 feet in the air?

A dead centipede.

Swerve Jokes More Swerve Jokes

What does a drunk police officer do?

Protect and swerve.

What do you call a doe that swerves all over the road?

A rackless driver...

Freshen Jokes More Freshen Jokes

How do you know when you're too drunk to drive?

When you swerve to miss a tree and realize it was your air freshener

How does a scientist freshen their breath?

With experi-mints!