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What "c word" describes my girlfriend and why I'm not getting any?

Carpaltunnel

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What did the lesbian vampire say to her girlfriend?

See you next month!

How did Jared lose 40lbs?

He dumped his girlfriend.

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How do you describe Catwoman in one word?

Purrfect

How do Freudians describe the human mind?

As a huge ENEMA, I mean huge enigma.....