What's black, has bite marks and isn't needed any more?

Philip Hoffman's belt.

This joke may have profanity.

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How many nuclear war survivors does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. People who glow in the dark don't need lightbulbs.

Why is picture of Jesus better than Jesus himself?

You only need one nail to hang up the picture.

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What was it worth?

Two marks.

What did the pirate say as he was sailing through Jamaica?

X marks the pot, matey.