What would you say is your biggest flaw?

I step in in people's conversations" "i was asking *him*"

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What did the doctor say to the angry midget?

I'm going to ask you to be a little patient.

When my girlfriend asks "mom, what are you doing!?

I reply "Taxes."

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What's the first step of fire safety?

4-year-old: Stay away from dragons. Me: 4: Me: Well, obviously.

How do you please all the people?

Tell them Ellen Pao has stepped down as of today!