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Why did the crematorium operator get a $500 bonus?

Because he'd urn-ed it.

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What's 6 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives your girlfriend wild?

A $100 bill.

What is the difference between a lentil and a chick pea?

Well, for starters I would never pay $200 to have a lentil on my face.

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What is the ideal weight for a lawyer?

About 3 pounds, including the urn.

Why aren't cremations given out for free?

Because you have to urn them.