What does a stock broker and a gym rat have in common?

NEED MORE GAINS

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Why did the cellphone go to court?

Because it was charged with battery.

Why does Snoop Dogg need an umbrella?

Fo drizzle

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How do you get an anorexic to gain 25 pounds?

Marry her.

What did the ruler gain a reputation for while campaigning?

Straight talk.

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Why did the woman's visit to Wall Street land her in the hospital?

Because the stock broker!

What do you get when you cross a stock broker, a detective, and an alligator?

An investigator.