What's the hardest thing about having a colostomy bag?

Finding shoes to go with it.

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What did the circus owner say to the human-cannonball when the he wanted to retire?

How will I ever find another performer of your caliber? (Source: a dad on Thanksgiving)

What two places can you find a California roll?

Sushi bars and stop signs.

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What is a chemist's favorite brand of shoes?

Vans of der Waals

What's the difference between a viola and a trampoline?

You take your shoes off before jumping on a trampoline.

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What is the hardest thing about learning to ride a bicycle?

The road.

What's the hardest thing about skydiving?

The Ground