Where do you find an old Onion article?

In thier archives.

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What do you call one of Santa's helpers who bosses around the reindeer?

When he found out, Santa shouldn't have gotten mad, he only had his elf to blame. Now Santa won't forgive him until elf freezes over.

What did the blonde do when she found out she was pregnant with triplets?

She went looking for the three guys.

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What's the difference between an onion and an accordion?

No-one cries when you chop up an accordion.

Whats the square (root) of a (onion)???

Shallots