Where do you find an old Onion article?

In thier archives.

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Why was Jesus not Mexican?

No matter how hard God looked, he could not find three wise men or a virgin anywhere in Mexico

Why was the women unable to leave the boutique?

She couldn't find the Dior

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What do you get when you mix beans and onions?

Tear gas.

How is a hailstone like an onion?

They are both whitish and have layers