Where do you find an old Onion article?

In thier archives.

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What did the NFL Commissioner say when Adele turned down the Superbowl Halftime Show?

Never mind, I'll find someone like you

What do you find between Godzilla's toes?

Slow runners.

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What is the difference between a baby and a onion?

No one cries when you chop up the baby.

What's the difference between a lawyer and an onion?

You cry when you cut up an onion.