Why do I need a wingman?

How's a half-man half-bird freak gonna get me laid

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Lay Jokes More Lay Jokes

What did the chicken say after laying an egg?

Oeuf!

Why doesn't anyone get laid on Thanksgiving?

All the coats are on the bed!

Need Jokes More Need Jokes

What I say: "Does anyone need anything from the store?

What I mean: "I'm off to smoke a bowl in my car so I can deal with all of you."

Why does Helen Keller only masterbate with one hand?

She needs the other to moan.