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Why do I need the life vest?

Me: If you have to ask, you might not need one.

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When asked to provide proof that he had cirrhosis, what did OP do?

OP de-livered.

How do you tell the difference between a factory worker, and a chemist?

Ask them to pronounce 'unionized'

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What does a gun, a fire extinguisher, and a condom have in common?

Its better to have it and not need it, then to need it and not have it

What did God say to Noah?

Make a backup, I need to re-format this.