Why Do Philosophers Have Such Good Teeth?

Because they philos all the time!

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What did Richard Nixon say after he tried to make dinner at the White House for the first time?

I am not a cook

Why won't the Alzheimer's patient pay attention to you?

Because he doesn't know the time of day.

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Why does the philosopher have an automatic car..?

Because he Kant drive Immanuel.

What do you get when you cross a philosopher, an insomniac and a dyslexic?

A guy who stays up all night wondering if there's a dog. Infinite Jest, by DFW