Philosopher Jokes

What do you call the man with a lisp who drowned?

A philosopher. Cuz he's a deep thinker.

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What do you call a group of philosophers?

An argument.

Why does the philosopher have an automatic car..?

Because he Kant drive Immanuel.

How many philosophers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Well it depends on what you mean by change.

What do you call a philosopher that kind of wants to play soccer?

Socrates

What does a philosopher put his/her food on?

A contemplate

What time do philosophers like to visit the shopping mall?

At the Schopenhauer.

Why couldn't the philosopher make a living?

He made no sense. I tried, I really did.

How do philosophers shave off their beards?

Occam's razor

What do you get when you cross a philosopher, an insomniac and a dyslexic?

A guy who stays up all night wondering if there's a dog. Infinite Jest, by DFW

How many philosophers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

It depends on the definition of lightbulb.

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How many philosophers does it take to......change a light bulb?

Define "light bulb".

Why are we here?

Me: Philosophers still don't know 5: No, why are we HERE Wife: Your dad is lost and won't ask for directions

What did the philosopher say to his coworker?

Cleanup on the detergent aisle

What is the question most frequently asked by a philosopher?

Would you like ketchup with your chips

What did the Time Traveller find when he brought a joint to Ancient Greece?

The Philosophers Stoned

How do you get a philosopher off your porch?

Pay him for the pizza.

What does an insomniac, philosopher, atheist, dyslexic do at night?

Lay awake, contemplating the existence of Dog.

Why Do Philosophers Have Such Good Teeth?

Because they philos all the time!

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Descend Jokes More Descend Jokes

How does the author of Harry Potter descend a mountain?

On foot, how else? JK Rowling

What was the philosopher's last thought before he descended into quicksand?

I sink therefore I am.

Stay Jokes More Stay Jokes

How do you stay warm outside in the winter?

You just stand in a corner, they are usually around 90 degrees.

What did the hat say to the hat rack?

You stay here, I'll go on a head

Change Jokes More Change Jokes

How many homeless does it take to change a lightbulb?

There's change in a lightbulb

What's the difference between feminism and a $100 bill?

A $100 bill makes change

Thoreau Jokes More Thoreau Jokes

What's a nature philosopher's favorite rap song?

Thoreau some mo'

Why did Thoreau build a house?

Because he wanted to be walled-in.

Soccer Jokes More Soccer Jokes

What do you get when you combine Soccer and Baseball?

Golbat.

What do you call two Mexicans playing soccer?

Juan on Juan.

Kant Jokes More Kant Jokes

Why does the philosopher have an automatic car..?

Because he Kant drive Immanuel.

What did Hannibal Lecter say to the philosophy professor after the lecture?

I can smell your Kant.

Greek Philosopher Jokes More Greek Philosopher Jokes

Which Greek Philosopher was the easiest to manipulate?

Play-Doh

What do you call a Greek philosopher who plays hard to get?

A socra-tease Made this one up myself. I'll be here all week

Cure Jokes More Cure Jokes

How does a mathematician cure constipation?

How does a mathematician cure her constipation She works it out with a pencil.

Why do pigs run from medicine?

They hate getting cured.