Why don't lobsters ever share anything?

Because they're shellfish

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What did you expect for $10?

Lobsters

What did the man say when the lobster gave him food poisoning?

I'm not letting you cook dinner again.

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How selfish am I?

Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.

What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an unwilling agnostic, and a dyslexic?

Somebody who stays up all night torturing himself mentally over the question whether or not theres a dog.