What did Wilford Brimley say to his wife when he found out she was pregnant?

You have diafetus

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Why did Lot leave his wife?

She became salty.

Where'd you buy my gift?

Me: Bed Bath & Beyond Wife: You used a coupon right Me: Coupon *wife faints*

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What's black and found at the top of a stair case?

Stephen Hawking after a house fire.

How do you find a British person in a crowd?

1. Shout 0800 00 2. Wait for them to shout 1066.