What did Wilford Brimley say to his wife when he found out she was pregnant?

You have diafetus

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What's the similarity between your wife and a tin roof in a hurricane?

If you didn't nail them properly they'll go see your neighbor

What did the IT guy say to his wife after she complained about their love life?

Did you try turning me off and on again?

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Why couldn't the auction house find any buyers for the Celtic artifact?

It was completely runed.

Why couldn't they find the cheesemaker after the accident?

He was trapped under da-Brie!