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What do you call a baby Matt Damon?

A new-Bourne

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What's the difference between a trampoline and a baby?

I take my shoes off when I jump on a trampoline

What did the mother snake say to her crying baby?

Stop crying and viper your nose!

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What were the odds that Matt Damon made it off Mars?

Astronomical

What does Matt Damon call thrift shopping?

Goodwill Hunting.