What do you call a baby Matt Damon?

A new-Bourne

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How are babies different from feminists?

Babies grow up and stop crying

What did the mother snake say to her crying baby?

Stop crying and viper your nose!

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What were the odds that Matt Damon made it off Mars?

Astronomical

What did the commander say when she realized that she had left Matt Damon on Mars?

I have left my Mark on Mars