What does Gollum think about Gandalf's smoking addiction?

Stupid, filthy habitses!

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What's the difference between Americans and Brits?

Brits think 200 miles is a long distance, Americans think 200 years is a long time.

What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner?

A. A power failure.

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Why did Gandalf have to go to the hospital to get a splinter removed?

He had a staff infection...

How does Gandalf know he's pregnant?

A wizard is never late.

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Why was Gollum executed at a bar in Iraq?

Because he asked for Ice-es

What is Gollum's favourite bird?

A Smeagull!