What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?

50 pounds.

This joke may have profanity.

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What's the difference between the number 3 and David Cameron?

One's a prime number, the other's a prime minister.

What's the difference between Putin and Poutine?

Umm... I don't know... I've got nothing.

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What did Wilford Brimley say to his wife when he found out she was pregnant?

You have diafetus

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Because William Shatner I know it's old, but I love it so

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What do you say to your girlfriend with two black eyes?

Nothing. You already told her twice.

What did Jay Z call his girlfriend before they got married?

His Feyonce.

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