What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?

50 pounds.

This joke may have profanity.

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What's the difference between a pizza, and this joke?

One has cheese on it, the other's just plain cheesy.

What's the difference between one yard and two yards?

A fence.

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Where did the judge go to buy a necklace for his wife?

The jury store

Who did Alaska vote for?

Berrrnie Sanders H/T: wife

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How do you know if your girlfriend is ticklish?

You give her a test-tickle.

How did the Italian chef break up with his girlfriend?

Pasta la vista, baby.

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