How do you find Illuminati's secret hideout?

You triangulate their position!

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What does a dog do when it loses it's tail?

Goes to a retail store to find another one.

What did the chemist say when he found out his two pet dogs died?

Barium

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Why are quantum physicists bad lovers?

When they find the position, they can't find the momentum. When they find the momentum, they can't find the position.

What's your heigth and position?

Pilot: Well I'm 6 foot tall and I'm sitting front left.

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What does the Illuminati smell like?

New World Odor

What did the Illuminati say when they tried to read someone's mind, but failed to do so?

Curses, foiled again!