What's 18 inches long and never gets used?

Leonardo DiCaprio's acceptance speech.

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How many dank memes does it take to change a lightbulb?

Doesn't matter, just use the jet fuel instead.

Who was the least funny U.S. President?

FDR. His standup could use some work.

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What is 18 inches long, pink, squishy, and makes women cry?

SIDS

What's 18 inches long and never gets used?

Leonardo DiCaprio's acceptance speech.

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What do Leonardo DiCaprio &amp anyone who buys a Powerball ticket have in common?

Their odds of winning are the same

Why does Leonardo DiCaprio love his fast car?

Because he got an award for revvin' it.