What's 18 inches long and never gets used?

Leonardo DiCaprio's acceptance speech.

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What do you do if your daughter starts smoking?

Slow down and use lube.

What's the best part about sleeping with a Cubs fan?

They're used to disappointment.

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What's 18 inches and makes women SCREAM?

A stillborn.

What's 18 inches long and never gets used?

Leonardo DiCaprio's acceptance speech.

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Why did Leonardo DiCaprio laugh at the Oscar joke?

Because he finally got it

What's pretty and expensive but has no use?

Leonardo DiCaprio's Oscar shelf.