What's black and is on top of the stairs?

Stephen Hawking after a housefire.

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What sounds like a robot and bumps into tables?

Stephen Hawking.

Why doesn't Stephen Hawking need a wife?

Because he has his own shoulder to cry on. Edit: all credit goes to /u/Earleebird who posted it in a comment in /r/oldschoolcool

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What's black and sits on top of a staircase?

Stephen Hawking in a house fire.

What has hands but can't clap?

Stephen Hawking