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Sit Jokes

What's black and sits at the top of the stairs?

Stephen Hawkings after a house fire.

Love

Love

Why didn't the table want to be sat on?

He wasn't a charitable guy

How do you stop all the protests and riots?

Play the national anthem. They'll all sit down

Why couldn't the pirate play cards?

Because he was sitting on the deck!

What do you call a 1,000 pound woman sitting on a bar stool?

A half-ton pickup.

What happened to the guy who farted in church?

He sat in his own pew.

How do you stop the protests in Charlotte?

Sing the nation anthem they will sit down

What's red and sits in the corner?

A naughty bus

What do cows sit on?

Couches

What sits in the kitchen and gets smaller and smaller?

A baby combing its hair with an apple peeler

What would be funny about Hillary as president?

That she would be sitting at the desk that Monica once kneeled under!

Love Card

Love Card

Why does Black Widow love sitting on Captain America's shield?

Because it's made out of vibranium.

Why are European cars the lightest?

Because there's no Americans sitting in them.

Where does Arnie sit at the movies?

Aisle B - Back.

Why did Thor sit comfortably on a cactus?

He has an Asgard...

What does Yao Ming stand for?

When he sits down it takes too long to get back up.

What's Irish and sits on a porch?

Pati 'O' Furniture

What's blue and sits on the toilet?

A policeman doing his duty!

Why are none talking in the ladies sauna?

They are sitting on their lips!

What shakes and sits at the bottom of the ocean?

A nervous wreck.

What do you get when you sit under a cow?

A pat on the head.

I Love Pizza & You

I Love Pizza & You

What's pink and sits on a piano chair?

Elton's John

How do you know you are sitting next to a ski instructor?

They'll tell you.

What happens to eskimos who sit on the ice too long?

Polaroids! I'm so bored...

What's Irish and sits on your lawn?

Paddy o' furniture

Where does Sean Connery sit?

In the toilet.

What's brown and sits on a piano bench?

Beethoven's last movement.

How do you get 4 girls to sit on one chair?

You flip it upside down.

What do drug dealers sit on?

KUSHions please tell me that joke is funny, my girlfriend is trying to tell me that it isn't funny. We all know it is.

What is the one thing wrong with a Piles joke?

It doesn't sit well.

What sits down but doesn't get back up?

A redditor.

Everyday Deserves a Joke

Everyday Deserves a Joke

Whats red and sits in the corner?

A naughty strawberry

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?

Polaroids

How many nihilists does it take to change a lightbulb?

They don't see the point and just sit in the dark.

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice?

Polar-oids

Why do I always sit in the back of an airplane?

Cos iv never heard of an airplane reverse into a mountain... ill help myself out...

What's big and green and sits in the corner?

The Incredible Sulk!

What's the deal with my laptop?

I'm sitting there typing and the battery drains, does this ever happen to you? So this little message pops up: Plug in or find another power source. Do you get that message? What other power source are they talking about? Well, I can't find that cable, so I'll go ahead and plug in to the hamster wheel generator I keep just in case. That's my other power source.

What do you call a cat sitting on the edge of a cliff?

A precipuss.

What do you call a bunch of cats sitting in a circle?

The purr-rimiter.

What does a mathematician do about constipation?

Sits down and works it out with a pencil.

What sits in the corner of the room, crying and getting smaller and smaller?

A baby combing it's hair with a vegetable peeler.

What do you call Christopher Walken when he is sitting?

Christopher Sitten

What do you call a group of millionaires sitting around watching the NBA finals?

The Lakers. (Laker fan here. Sorry prob would have been more appropriate last week during the finals.) Edit: I heard this some where the other day. I can't take credit for the joke.

Why do hens sit on eggs?

Because they're too poor to afford chairs.

Why did the burger sit beside the telephone?

Incase onion rings

Why was the blonde girl sitting on the roof?

Someone told her drinks were on the house.

What do you call 5 white guys sitting on a bench?

The NBA

What is the difference between a blonde and a hen?

The blonde doesn't sit still when she is on eggs.

What does an Arctic wildlife photographer get from sitting around too long?

Polaroids.

What did the veggies say, as they sat down for supper?

Lettuce, pray.

What do you get when you cross an insomniac, a dyslexic, and an agnostic?

Some guy sitting up all night wondering if there really is a dog

What's Irish and sits on a deck?

Patty O'Furniture

What did the Triceratops sit on?

Its Tricerabottom.

What sits at the bottom of the ocean and shakes?

A nervous wreck!

Where do the Baltimore Ravens sit?

On The Wire.

What is Irish and sits on the porch?

Patty O'Furniture

What's Irish and sits by the pool?

Paddy O'Furniture

What do you call a girl who's sitting in the middle of a tennis court?

Annette.

What do you call a number that won't sit still?

A roamin' numeral.

What sits in the middle of the world wide web?

A very very big spider!

What do you calll a woman that people sit on?

Cher!

What do you call a dragon that can't sit still?

A wiggle wyrm.

What do you call a guy with no arms, no legs, and sits in a pile of leaves?

Russell.

What can you sit on, sleep on, and brush your teeth with?

A chair, a bed, and a toothbrush.

How does an elephant get down from a tree?

He sits on a leaf and waits till autumn!

What do you call the Moon spirit that at once sits upon a lake of glowing jade and exists nestled within our divine souls?

Altha'or syzygena

Why does the Statue of Liberty stand in New York harbour?

Pupil: Because it can't sit down!

How did Humpty Dumpty get ripped?

Wall-sits.

Who hurt you?

Unless you want to sit through a 13 hour PowerPoint presentation.

How do you know when you're at a hillbilly wedding?

Everyone is sitting on the same side of the church.

Why are you guys all sitting on the same side of the table?

DaVinci

What do you call it when the Russian president sits on a box of crackers?

Putin on the Ritz

What kind of monster can sit on the end of your finger?

The bogeyman.

Why can't you play cards on a small boat?

Because someone is always sitting on the deck.

What was the first think Queen Elizabeth did on ascending to the throne?

Sat down!

What sits at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?

A drowning epileptic.

What's blue, small and sits in a corner?

A baby with its hand in the power socket.

What did the baby chick say when he saw his mother sitting on an orange?

Dad dad look what marma-laid'!

Whose parrot sits on his shoulder shouting "Pieces of four"?

Short John Silver!

What did the puppy say when he sat on sand paper?

RUFF!

How does Frankenstein sit in his chair?

Bolt upright.

What do you call a guy in a suit sitting in a tree?

Branch Manager

Why's a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?

Me: I peed my pants.

Why do chickens sit on their eggs?

Because they don't have chairs.

What is green and sits crying in the corner?

The incredible Sulk.

When crossing the Delaware River why did George Washington stand up in the boat?

He was afraid that if he sat down that someone would give him an oar to row!

What is the difference between a hog and a man?

A hog doesn't have to sit in a bar and buy drinks all night just so he can f*** some pig.

Why can't Sweden win a race?

Because, it always sits right behind the Finnish line

How did you prepare for today?

Red carpet question with "Cocaine and sit ups." #GoldenGlobes

What does the NFL season and the national anthem have in common?

Kaepernick is gonna sit through them both.

What kind of a fish does your Parrot sit on?

A Perch!

What do you call a group of white people sitting on the bench?

A basketball team.

What do you call 5 cats sitting on top of each other?

A caterpillar

What do you call 3 agnostics sitting at a bar?

I don't know.

What Happened when the girl sat on Lance Armstrong's lap?

She had a ball

What's E.T short for?

Because he's got little legs. But seriously, what does ET stand for Because he can't sit down.

What do you call a man with no arms or legs...... sitting at your door?

Matt....floating in your pool Bob....hanging on your wall Art.... water skiing Skipper.

How do frogs manage to lay so many eggs?

They sit eggsaminations!

What's up?

Boy: If I tell you, will you sit on it

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Rain Jokes More Rain Jokes

Why do airplanes manufactured in Spain have windshield wipers on the inside?

Because the rain in Spain falls mostly in the plain.

What's the difference between a vampire with toothache and a rainstorm?

One roars with pain and the other pours with rain.

Riot Jokes More Riot Jokes

What do you call a riot in Baltimore?

Target practice.

Why are they rioting in Ferguson?

Because they carefully and objectively reviewed the evidence from the trial and thought a legitimate injustice had been done.

Difference Jokes More Difference Jokes

What's the difference between In-n-Out Burger French fries and League of Legends?

I can control my salt intake at In-n-out.

Whats the difference between a black man and Batman?

Batman can go to a store without robin.

Stair Jokes More Stair Jokes

Why couldn't the cup of tea climb flight of stairs?

Because it was too steep.

What did the French man say when he tripped down the stairs?

Eiffel.

Corner Jokes More Corner Jokes

Why did Arthur have a round table?

So no one could corner him!

Why do people with the Flu stand in corners?

Its always 90 Degrees

Tree Jokes More Tree Jokes

Why did the Millennium Falcon hot a tree?

Because Han was flying so low.

What happens when a lumberjack doesn't know which tree to cut next?

He gets stumped.

Stand Jokes More Stand Jokes

What is the funniest two legged lizard?

The stand-up chameleon.

What did Alan Rickman say as he stood over David Bowie's grave?

Mind if I Slytherin

Pirate Jokes More Pirate Jokes

How much do pirates charge for piercings?

A buck an ear.

What is Blackbeard and Captain Hooks favorite workout routine?

Pirates.