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How does Sean Connery find his way to the toilet?

With a shat nav.

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Why are books about the social contract and demand-side economics so hard to find?

Because they're kept firmly under Locke and Keynes.

What did the NFL Commissioner say when Adele turned down the Superbowl Halftime Show?

Never mind, I'll find someone like you

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How do you guys tweet from the toilet?

I poop with both hands.

Why did Tigger look in the toilet?

He was looking for Pooh.

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Why don't women parachute naked?

Cause they would whistle on the way down

What did the baby dolphin do when he didn't get his way?

He whale-d

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Why doesn't Sean Connery have any grown up children?

He prefers them shaken, not stirred.

What did Sean Connery say when he noticed that there wasn't any electricity in the Pennsylvania countryside?

Shomething'sh Amish...