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What do you tell a person with two swollen eyes?

Nothing, you already told 'em twice.

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What kind of underwear does a person wear when buried?

Fruit of the tomb

What do you call a person who had to be amputated after being attacked by an animal?

Claude

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How can you tell the difference between a thermometer and a rectal thermometer?

The taste.

How do you make a blonde laugh on a Wednesday?

Tell her a joke on a Monday!

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What is the slogan of the Mormon Church?

We don't care how you bring 'em, just Brigham Young.

How many debutants can you fit in ballroom at the Waldorf Astoria?

OC Like, a cotillion of 'em.