What do you tell a person with two swollen eyes?

Nothing, you already told 'em twice.

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How do you call a person that speaks only one language?

An American

How can you spot a vegan in a crowded lunch hall?

Don't worry, they'll tell you and every other person there!

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How can you tell which rabbits are the oldest in a group?

Look for gray hares.

How do you get a hippie to jump off a cliff?

Tell them it will "cleanse toxins."

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What does santa do with a lazy reindeer?

Sleighs 'em

How many cuckolds does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. Somebody else does the screwing for 'em.