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Why would I play something I have no chance of winning?

I replied.

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What do you call a chicken that can play tennis?

A Henman.

What game do they play at Mexican carnivals?

Guaca-mole!

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What's a metaphor?

Winning the game tournament!

What do terrorists and the England football team have in common?

They will never win

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What is your secret weapon against terrorists?

We simply reply......Chuck Norris

How long will the pizza be?

The waiter replies "About 12 inches."

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What do lawyers and sperm have in common?

1 in 50 million has a chance of becoming a human being.

Why does Ed Miliband like advent calendars?

Because it's his only chance to open the door to Number 10!