How do you save a suicidal procrastinator?

Tell them it can probably wait 'til tomorrow.

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What's the only thing that could have saved George Michael?

A whambulance

Who get saved?

The United States of America

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How can you tell if a hippy came to your house?

He's still there.

What did the doctor tell the panda bear after the results of his child's paternity test came back?

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but the results are a bit grizzly.

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How to make an idiot curious?

I'll post the answer tomorrow.

What am I supposed to take tomorrow?

Doctor: That was a 30 day supply. Me: Whoops.

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Why couldn't R get to P?

He had to wait in a Q!

What did the String Theorist say when his wife caught him in bed with another woman?

Wait, I can explain everything!