What do you get when you ask a proctologist for a second opinion?

Two fingers.

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When two bears asked a pastor to marry them in the forest, what did he say?

Hold on, let me get my bear rings.

What did the depressed, illiterate pepperoni slice say when asked where he was with his life?

Well it pizza heck out of me.

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Why do women love Jordan Spieth?

Because he came second.

What's the second hardest thing in the morning?

Getting out of the bed!

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Why does pushing my finger against a bottle of Pepsi make me sad?

Because it's soda pressing.

What happened to the little Dutch boy after he put his finger in the dyke?

She shattered his jaw!

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What did the proctologist ask the restaurant goer?

Can I push your stool in?

What did the proctologist say to the pirate?

Show me your booty.