Why isn't Edward leaving Russia?

Because he's snowed in.

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Where do astronauts leave their spaceships?

At parking meteors.

What is the sharpest thing in the world?

A fart. It will cut through your pants and not even leave a hole.

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Why is Edward still in Russia?

He's Snowden.

What's the difference between Texas and Russia?

One's a disgusting cesspool full of paranoid, bigoted, anti-American sadists, and the other is really cold.

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Why can't Russia extradite US top-secret whistle-blowers?

Because they're Snowden (snowed-in). To all the folks on the East coast, stay safe and warm.

Why didn't the NSA agent cross the road?

He was snowed in.

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Why didn't Edward leave his house?

Because he was Snowden.

Why did the mother of twins name both of her sons Edward?

Because two Eds are better than one.