Leave Jokes

What does Santa say to the elves after they make the toys?

Leave my presents

April Sale

What did the hippie say when he was asked to leave the couch he was sleeping/staying on?

Namast (nah-ima-stay)

Where do you find a dog with no legs?

Where you left it

Why did Prince Charles leave Windsor Castle and move to an alley?

Because: Camilla Parker Bowles.

Why did the teddy bear leave the restaurant?

He was stuffed.

How does the balance sheet of a bank look like as of today?

On the left side there's nothing right and on the right side there's nothing left...

What do you call a judge with no left hand and left leg?

He is alright, but one sided!

What did the buffalo say before his son left for school?

Bison

Why did the emo kid leave the bar?

It was happy hour.

Why did the old man get kicked off the nudist colony's golf course?

He kept leaving ball marks on the greens.

Why did the mathematician call his dog Cauchy?

Because he left a residue at every pole.

April Sale

What Happens when the Cubs win the World Series?

They Leave a Trail of Tears

When you arrive at the international airport you are American. There is a room that changes your nationality. When you enter this room you are Russian, when you leave this room you are Finnish, and while inside European. What room is it?

What did Chad Kroeger say after leaving a concert of Justin Bieber?

I want my Nickleback....

What do you call it when Batman leaves church early?

Christian Bale

What's Michelle's favourite vegetable?

Barackoli (I'm sorry I'll leave now...)

How do you turn a duck into a blues singer?

Leave it out in the sun until its Bill Withers

What would you do if i won the lottery?

Wife: I'd take half and leave. Husband: Well here's $6 and you can start packing anytime now.

Why did I leave my grades at the orphanage?

I couldn't raise them

Why was the fish swimming alone?

Because he left the school.

What do you call it when someone leaves at the first sign of a hurricane?

A premature evacuation.

April Sale

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Why couldn't the NSA whistleblower leave Moscow?

He got snowed in.

What does a tickle me Elmo get before it leaves the factory?

Two test tickles

How Do Priests Get High?

Snorting the left over ashes from Ash Wednesday...

What is the worst thing anyone can do to a blind man?

Leave a plunger in the toilet!

What does the customer say to the worker as he leaves the store after buying a discounted item?

Good buy.

Why did the hipster otter leave his hometown river?

It was too mainstream

Whats the difference between America and Yogurt?

If you leave Yogurt alone for 200 years, it develops a culture.

Why did Bill Gates get sick?

Because he left the Windows open.

How do you know a neighborhood is too ghetto to film in?

If most people leave before shooting starts.

Why does Mexico never win the Olympics?

Because anyone who can run, jump, or swim already left.

April Sale

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Why does Jerry Sienfeld clean up on tinder?

He can't go left

What does Apu say when people leave him to browse reddit?

Thank you, Karma gain

Why does Britain love tea so much?

Because tea leaves.

What's the difference between Hillary's e-mails and the UK leaving the EU?

Hillary got off Scott-free.

Why does Britain like tea so much?

Because tea leaves.

Why is India surprised by the Brexit vote?

They didn't know you could get Britain to leave by voting.

How much space is left in EU?

1 GB

What did UK say while leaving?

It's not EU, it's me

How do cows do math?

A cow-culator. haha haha ha... ok, I'll leave.

Why was there no food left at the Halloween party?

Because everyone was a goblin

What's the difference between America and a pot of yogurt?

If you leave a pot of yogurt alone for 200 years it develops a culture.

What's the deal with reddit being obsessed about puns?

I've never... META... group of people so obsessed with puns before.. Fine, I'll leave :(:(

When to leave your girlfriend?

When your wife's clothes start to fit her.

What was the engineer's reaction to his wife being too heavy?

Cantilever? (can't I leave her)

What begins with an "s", ends with a "x" and leaves a guy blown away?

Semtex.

Why do feminists always seem so unhappy?

Because happy people usually leave cults.

How can you tell a hippie's been in your house?

He's still there when you get home. What's he say when you tell him to leave? "Na, 'ma stay"

Why did Ally refuse to do her homework, when all she had left was to square the x and y axis?

Cause Allies don't like axis powers

Why couldn't the American leave Russia?

He was snowden

What do you say when you leave the UAE?

Dubai-bye!

Why does Pokémon have only one save file per game?

I mean think about it, One for Charmander One for Squirtle and one for your second charmander. (found that but it's against rules to post links lol so I'll just leave that here for a good laugh)

How many times can look at the sun with a telescope?

You can do this twice. One time with you right eye and one with your left!

What does a tree do when it wants to go home?

It leaves.

What does it sounds like when a Japanese Homer Simpson forgets how to count to 11?

Nin, ten, "....I'll leave now.

What did the fancy cat say when he wanted to leave?

Le meow

What did the mama frog say to the baby frog when they left for a party?

You better amphi-BE-ON your best behavior.

Why didn't Hellen Keller learn to lip-read?

The braille left her lips numb.

Why did Gigi leave the party angrily?

Because she's Hadid.

What did Journey say to the critic as he stormed out of their concert?

Don't stop! Be leaving!" Just a joke I thought up the other day.

Who is left?

Marco Rubio

How does a penguin make a decision?

Flipper coin. Again, I shall take my leave.

Why did the orange stop rolling down the hill?

It ran out of juice. I shall take my leave now.

What does a hippy tell you when you ask them to leave?

Namaste

Why is the dating app called Tinder?

When you left-swipe, all of your matches go up in flames.

Why is Darth Vader black?

Because he left his son.

Why was it so hot in the stadium after the game?

Because all the fans left

Why could Edward not leave his driveway and get back to his home country?

He was Snowden.

What did the black eyed peas say when they left the dentist?

I got a filling, woo-hoo!

What's the difference between America and Yoghurt?

If you leave yoghurt alone for 2000 years it'll develop a culture.

Why did Adele leave the house?

So she could say Hello from the outside.

How many guns do I have left?

That's right. 10.

Why are Mens bathrooms usually to the left?

Because women are right.

What did the homeless yogi say when told to leave the yoga studio?

Nah, I must stay.

What do Santa and Jared from Subway have in common?

They both leave kids rooms with an empty sack

What do redditors and litterers have in common?

I'm just gonna leave this here.

What did the hippie say when asked to leave the party?

Namaste.

Why did you leave me here all alone?

Where o where are you tonight? Why did you leave me here all alone? I searched the world over and thought I found some one You met a zombie and pblblthpth you were gone.