Santa Jokes

Why does Santa have three gardens?

So he can "hoe, hoe, hoe."

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What does Santa say to the elves after they make the toys?

Leave my presents

What happened when Santa cut his beard?

The police came and took statements but ultimately Mrs. Claus declined to press charges. OC

Why do Santas elves take forever to finish making toys?

Because they are always a little behind

What does Santa teach his elves?

The Elfabet!

What do you call a lobster dressed up as Santa?

Santa Claws

Why is Santa so jolly?

Because he knows where all the naughty girls live. Happy Holidays Fun!

What do you call a child afraid of Santa?

Claustrophobic

How did the blind man know Santa was in his house?

He felt his presents.

Where does Santa go on vacation?

North Pole-land

Why don't you see Santa for the rest of the year?

Because for the rest of the year he's in prison for breaking into people's houses.

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Where did Santa meet his wife?

Conjunction junction, they specialize in hooking up words, phrases, and Clauses

What does Santa listen to while delivering presents?

Sleigh-er

What did the reindeer wear to protect itself while Santa was watering the garden?

Rudolph's red hose rain gear...

What do Santa and Jared from Subway have in common?

They both leave kids rooms with an empty sack

Why was Santa sacked two days before Christmas?

Elf and safety

Why was Mrs. Clause's stocking full on December 21st?

Because Santa came early this year.

Why do the lawyers for the reindeer say they have to pull Santa's sled?

Because they have a claus in their contract.

Why is Santa always jolly?

Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

What religion is Santa?

He's egg-nog-stic

How does Santa make new baby reindeer?

In vitro, in Prancer, in Dancer, in Vixen.

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Why doesn't Santa give gifts to naughty kids?

Because it'd Krampus style.

Why was Santa in the asylum?

He lost his SANTAty

Why is Santa such a jolly old elf?

He knows where the naughty girls live.

What did the dyslexic person worship?

Santa.

Why does Santa have such a beautiful garden?

He is always Hoe-hoe-hoeing.

Why did Santa want a divorce?

His wife made sure he only came once a year.

What does Santa call his English Elves?

Subordinate clauses....

What does Santa do to dragons?

He "sleighs" them.

What do you call someone who's afraid of Santa getting stuck in their chimney?

Claus-trophobic.

What do you call a child who doesn't believe in Santa?

An eggnogstic

What's Santa's favourite heavy metal band?

Sleigher

Why is Santa always so jolly?

Because he knows where all the naughty girls live. You've probably heard this one before. But it's Christmas tomorrow so what the hell.

What body regulates the welfare of Santa's workers?

The Elf and Saftey Executive.

What's Santa's favourite metal band?

Sleigher.

What do you call one of Santa's helpers?

A subordinate clause

Why does Santa have a garden?

So he can hoe-hoe-hoe!

What does Santa and Hackers have in common?

They both steal cookies)

What's Santa's favorite snack?

A crisp Pringle

Why did it rain on Christmas Eve?

Because of Santa and his Raindeer.

Whats the odd one out?

The man on the moon? Santa Claus? Or an honest Lawyer? Yes you got it Santa. The other two are figments of the imagination.

What did the dyslexic Satanist do?

He sold his soul to Santa.

What do Nicki Minaj and Santa have in common?

Hoe, hoe, hoe.

What is Santa's favorite music?

Wrap! (I came up with this when i was 8.)

What ethnicity is Santa?

North Poleish

What's the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Claus?

Santa stops after three ho's.

What is Santa's favorite band?

Slayer.

What does Santa and his elves listen to in their Christmas workshop?

WRAP MUSIC!

What did Santa say when he went to a brothel?

Hoe hoe hoe!

Whats the difference between Santa and Tiger Woods?

Santa stops at 3 Ho's (sorry if it's a re-post)

What's another name for Santa's elves?

Subordinate Clauses

What do you call a guy who is afraid of Santa?

Claustrophobic!

Why was Santa's little helper depressed?

Because he had low elf esteem.

Why is Santa always happy?

Because he knows where the naughty girls live. (a kid told me this one)

How do you know when Santa's in the room?

You can sense his presents.

What's the difference.... Between my girlfriend and santa?

Some people actually believe santa exist.

What do Santa's little helpers learn in school?

The Elfabet!

Why can't Santa play in the NBA?

He has a no-trade Claus

How about Santa?

Ok but let's add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him

Who corrects Santa's grammar?

A subordinate Clause.

Why was Santa's little helper sad?

Because he had low ELFesteem

What does Santa call his wife at tax time?

A dependent Claus.

What do you call someone who is afraid of Santa?

Claustrophobic

Why is Mrs. Claus disappointed?

Because Santa came early!

Where does Santa get presents for bad kids?

Kohl's.

What do you call a kid who doesn't believe in Santa?

A rebel without a Claus.

What does Santa say when he meets your wife, your sister and your mother?

HO HO HO, Merry Christmas!

How do you know that Santa is a man?

No woman wears the same attire every year.

What is the biggest difference between Tiger Woods and Santa?

Santa stops at three Ho's

Why does Santa's sled get such good mileage?

Because it has long-distance runners on each side.

How does the Easter Bunny paint all of those eggs?

He hires Santa's elves during the off-season.

What will santa bring your fish this Christmas?

A scale letrix!

What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney?

Claustrophobia!

What goes "oh oh oh"?

Santa walking backwards.

Why did Jared decide to gain all of his weight back?

The mall is hiring new Santas.

What do you get when you cross Groot with Santa?

A Giving Christmas Tree

Which of Santa's reindeers needs to mind his manners the most?

Rude"olph

What does santa do with a lazy reindeer?

Sleighs 'em

What'd u ask Santa for 6: a speed boat M: like a Lego boat?

6: no M: oh for the bath 6: no M: the pool 6: *doesnt break eye contact* no

What can Santa give away and still keep?

A cold.

What do Pimps and Santa have in common?

They stay with 3 ho's

What kind of motorbike does Santa ride?

A Holly Davidson!

What is Santa's favorite type of cookie?

Ask your dad.

Why does Santa go down the chimney?

Because it **soots** him. Credit: Curious: The Tourist Guide

What is Santa saying to Mrs. Claus right now?

I told you it would rain, dear.

What does Mrs Claus say to Santa when he's not spending enough time with her?

You're getting too wrapped up in your work!

Why didn't Santa give presents to any world leaders?

Because he thinks they're part of the illumi-naughty

What do you call Santa living at the South Pole?

A lost clause.

What does Santa say when he is sick?

OH OH NO!

How is Santa able to carry so many presents at once?

Santa isn't real.

What do you call Santa's helpers?

Subordinate Clauses.

Why did Santa bring his sack with him when starring in the pantomime?

He wanted to have some stage presents.

What did Mrs. Claus say to Santa as they were looking out their front window?

Looks like rein dear.

Why doesn't Santa hitch his sleigh to a pig?

Pigs don't have red noses.

What happens when Santa get stuck in a chimney?

He gets claustrophobic!

What goes HO HO HO thud?

Santa laughing his head off. What goes HO HO HO A Pimp taking inventory.

What does Santa say when he goes fox hunting?

Tally hohoho!

Why is santa always so happy?

Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

What's the difference between a Tiger Woods and Santa Claus?

Santa stops at 3 ho's

Where does Santa stash his money?

In a snowbank.

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What is the linguistic description of sentences like 'ho ho ho' and 'Merry Christmas'?

They are both santa clauses.

Why is Santa Clause always so Jolly?

Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

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What did Batman give Doctor Freeze with his whisky?

Just-ice

What's it like being frozen to absolute zero?

It's 0K.

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What did Santa Clause say when he came down Lindsay Lohan's chimney and found her spending Christmas Eve with her pals Miley Cyrus and Paris Hilton?

Ho, ho, ho!

What is the biggest difference between Tiger Woods and Santa?

Santa stops at three Ho's

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What do you call an honest lawyer?

An oxymoron.

Whats the odd one out?

The man on the moon? Santa Claus? Or an honest Lawyer? Yes you got it Santa. The other two are figments of the imagination.

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What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?

Are you sure it's mine

What's red like a strawberry, hard like beef jerky, smells like vinegar, and is found under your bed?

Me neither. Help.

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What's the difference between life and wife's rant?

Life eventually ends.

What's the difference between /r/jokes and your mom?

Your mom is funny.

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What did Santa say when he went to a brothel?

Hoe hoe hoe!

What did the philanderer say to the gardener praying in the shed?

How do you stay faithful in a room full of hoes?

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Why did the Chihuahua laugh?

The cow jumped over the moon.

What did it mean when they found bones on the moon?

The cow didn't make it.