Santa Jokes

Why does Santa have three gardens?

So he can "hoe, hoe, hoe."

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What does Santa say to the elves after they make the toys?

Leave my presents

What happened when Santa cut his beard?

The police came and took statements but ultimately Mrs. Claus declined to press charges. OC

Why do Santas elves take forever to finish making toys?

Because they are always a little behind

Who did the Dyslexic Devil Worshipper sell his soul to?

Santa

What does Santa teach his elves?

The Elfabet!

What do you call a lobster dressed up as Santa?

Santa Claws

What do you call a child afraid of Santa?

Claustrophobic

How did the blind man know Santa was in his house?

He felt his presents.

Where does Santa go on vacation?

North Pole-land

Why don't you see Santa for the rest of the year?

Because for the rest of the year he's in prison for breaking into people's houses.

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Where did Santa meet his wife?

Conjunction junction, they specialize in hooking up words, phrases, and Clauses

What's the difference between Santa Claus and Tiger Woods?

Santa stops at three Hos.

What does Santa listen to while delivering presents?

Sleigh-er

What did the reindeer wear to protect itself while Santa was watering the garden?

Rudolph's red hose rain gear...

Why was Santa sacked two days before Christmas?

Elf and safety

Why do the lawyers for the reindeer say they have to pull Santa's sled?

Because they have a claus in their contract.

Why is Santa always jolly?

Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

What religion is Santa?

He's egg-nog-stic

How does Santa make new baby reindeer?

In vitro, in Prancer, in Dancer, in Vixen.

Why doesn't Santa give gifts to naughty kids?

Because it'd Krampus style.

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Why was Santa in the asylum?

He lost his SANTAty

Why is Santa such a jolly old elf?

He knows where the naughty girls live.

What did the dyslexic person worship?

Santa.

Why does Santa have such a beautiful garden?

He is always Hoe-hoe-hoeing.

What does Santa call his English Elves?

Subordinate clauses....

What does Santa do to dragons?

He "sleighs" them.

What's the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa?

Santa knows to stop after three Ho's.

What do you call someone who's afraid of Santa getting stuck in their chimney?

Claus-trophobic.

What do you call a child who doesn't believe in Santa?

An eggnogstic

What's Santa's favourite heavy metal band?

Sleigher

What body regulates the welfare of Santa's workers?

The Elf and Saftey Executive.

What's Santa's favourite metal band?

Sleigher.

What do you call one of Santa's helpers?

A subordinate clause

What do you call some who is afraid of Santa?

Clausetrophobic. I'm here all week.

Why does Santa have a garden?

So he can hoe-hoe-hoe!

What does Santa and Hackers have in common?

They both steal cookies)

What's Santa's favorite snack?

A crisp Pringle

Why did it rain on Christmas Eve?

Because of Santa and his Raindeer.

Whats the odd one out?

The man on the moon? Santa Claus? Or an honest Lawyer? Yes you got it Santa. The other two are figments of the imagination.

What is Santa's favorite music?

Wrap! (I came up with this when i was 8.)

What ethnicity is Santa?

North Poleish

What's the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Claus?

Santa stops after three ho's.

What's the difference between Santa and Tiger Woods?

Santa stops after 3 Ho's

What is Santa's favorite band?

Slayer.

What does Santa and his elves listen to in their Christmas workshop?

WRAP MUSIC!

What did Santa say when he went to a brothel?

Hoe hoe hoe!

Whats the difference between Santa and Tiger Woods?

Santa stops at 3 Ho's (sorry if it's a re-post)

What's another name for Santa's elves?

Subordinate Clauses

What do you call a guy who is afraid of Santa?

Claustrophobic!

Why was Santa's little helper depressed?

Because he had low elf esteem.

Why is Santa always happy?

Because he knows where the naughty girls live. (a kid told me this one)

How do you know when Santa's in the room?

You can sense his presents.

What's the difference.... Between my girlfriend and santa?

Some people actually believe santa exist.

What do Santa's little helpers learn in school?

The Elfabet!

Why can't Santa play in the NBA?

He has a no-trade Claus

Who corrects Santa's grammar?

A subordinate Clause.

Why was Santa's little helper sad?

Because he had low ELFesteem

What does Santa call his wife at tax time?

A dependent Claus.

What do you call someone who is afraid of Santa?

Claustrophobic

Where does Santa get presents for bad kids?

Kohl's.

What do you call a kid who doesn't believe in Santa?

A rebel without a Claus.

How do you know that Santa is a man?

No woman wears the same attire every year.

What is the biggest difference between Tiger Woods and Santa?

Santa stops at three Ho's

Why does Santa's sled get such good mileage?

Because it has long-distance runners on each side.

How does the Easter Bunny paint all of those eggs?

He hires Santa's elves during the off-season.

What will santa bring your fish this Christmas?

A scale letrix!

What goes "oh oh oh"?

Santa walking backwards.

What do you get when you cross Groot with Santa?

A Giving Christmas Tree

Which of Santa's reindeers needs to mind his manners the most?

Rude"olph

What does santa do with a lazy reindeer?

Sleighs 'em

What'd u ask Santa for 6: a speed boat M: like a Lego boat?

6: no M: oh for the bath 6: no M: the pool 6: *doesnt break eye contact* no

What can Santa give away and still keep?

A cold.

What kind of motorbike does Santa ride?

A Holly Davidson!

What is Santa's favorite type of cookie?

Ask your dad.

Why does Santa go down the chimney?

Because it **soots** him. Credit: Curious: The Tourist Guide

What is Santa saying to Mrs. Claus right now?

I told you it would rain, dear.

What does Mrs Claus say to Santa when he's not spending enough time with her?

You're getting too wrapped up in your work!

Why didn't Santa give presents to any world leaders?

Because he thinks they're part of the illumi-naughty

What do you call Santa living at the South Pole?

A lost clause.

What does Santa say when he is sick?

OH OH NO!

How is Santa able to carry so many presents at once?

Santa isn't real.

What do you call Santa's helpers?

Subordinate Clauses.

Why did Santa bring his sack with him when starring in the pantomime?

He wanted to have some stage presents.

What did Mrs. Claus say to Santa as they were looking out their front window?

Looks like rein dear.

Why doesn't Santa hitch his sleigh to a pig?

Pigs don't have red noses.

What happens when Santa get stuck in a chimney?

He gets claustrophobic!

What does Santa say when he goes fox hunting?

Tally hohoho!

Why is santa always so happy?

Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

What's the difference between a Tiger Woods and Santa Claus?

Santa stops at 3 ho's

Where does Santa stash his money?

In a snowbank.

Who sings "Love me tender" and makes Christmas toys?

Santa's little Elvis.

What would santa be if he was a farmer?

A jolly rancher.

What do you call Santa without toys?

A lost Clause

Why doesn't Santa have to pay for parking?

Because it's on the house.

What do you get if you cross Santa with a detective?

Santa Clues. Credit: Curious: The Tourist's Guide

What does Santa call the elf police?

The Po Po Po.

What's the most messed up trap for Santa?

A Nicolas Cage.

What's red and goes "Oh, Oh, Oh!"?

Santa walking backwards.

What do you call children who are afraid of Santa?

They are Clausaphobic

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How do you know when Santa's in the room?

You can sense his presents.

How could you possibly know?

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