Santa Jokes

What do you call Santa's helpers?

Subordinate Clauses.

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Why did Santa bring his sack with him when starring in the pantomime?

He wanted to have some stage presents.

What did Mrs. Claus say to Santa as they were looking out their front window?

Looks like rein dear

Why doesn't Santa hitch his sleigh to a pig?

Pigs don't have red noses.

What happens when Santa get stuck in a chimney?

He gets claustrophobic!

What goes HO HO HO thud?

Santa laughing his head off. What goes HO HO HO A Pimp taking inventory.

What does Santa say when he goes fox hunting?

Tally hohoho!

Why is santa always so happy?

Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

What's the difference between a Tiger Woods and Santa Claus?

Santa stops at 3 ho's

Where does Santa stash his money?

In a snowbank.

Who sings "Love me tender" and makes Christmas toys?

Santa's little Elvis.

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What would santa be if he was a farmer?

A jolly rancher.

What do you call Santa without toys?

A lost Clause

How did the urologist ruin his Christmas?

OC He looked inside Santa's sack.

Why doesn't Santa have to pay for parking?

Because it's on the house.

Who picks it up?

Santa. The other two don't exist.

What do you get if you cross Santa with a detective?

Santa Clues. Credit: Curious: The Tourist's Guide

What did Santa say when he saw your mom, sister, and girlfriend all together in the same room?

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

What does Santa call the elf police?

The Po Po Po.

What's the most messed up trap for Santa?

A Nicolas Cage.

What was Santa's Christmas-present for the kid with no hands?

New gloves for the cold days

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What's red and goes "Oh, Oh, Oh!"?

Santa walking backwards.

What do you call children who are afraid of Santa?

They are Clausaphobic

What is another name for Santa's elves?

Subordinate Clauses! Merry Christmas everyone.

Who'd win if Batman fought Santa?

Before u say Batman, just remember who's watching you answer.

What did the horse say to Santa?

Nothing, horses can not speak.

What drink does Santa give to naughty children?

Coala

Why did Santa divorce Mrs Clause?

Because he only came once a year

What do you call Santa's wife?

Mrs Claus.

What's the difference between Santa and Justin Beiber?

Santa stops at 3 Ho's

Whats the point of calling it "secret Santa"?

Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.

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What do you want for Christmas?

Me: a dragon! Santa: noo, be realistic Me: a girlfriend Santa: * cough * what color do you want your girlfriend

What's Santas favorite band?

Sleigher.

What does Santa call it when Mrs. Claus gives him road head?

Getting sleighed.

What band does Santa listen to while delivering presents?

Slayer.

Why are steam trains naughty around Christmas?

They're hoping Santa will give them a lump of coal.

What does a black Santa say?

Hoe, hoe, hoe.

What's the difference between Santa Claus and Harry Potter?

Santa would never free an elf.

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Imagination Jokes More Imagination Jokes

What do you call an imaginary color?

A pigment of your imagination.

What do you call it when the girl you like likes you back?

Imagination

Lobster Jokes More Lobster Jokes

What did the lobster say when he saw the mermaid?

Gotta lay off the sea-weed.

What was the score of the lobster soccer game?

Zero to zero. Lobsters can't kick soccer balls.

Odd Jokes More Odd Jokes

Whats the odd one out?

The man on the moon? Santa Claus? Or an honest Lawyer? Yes you got it Santa. The other two are figments of the imagination.

Why was Phil Collins......never a good betting man?

Because he always went Against All Odds.

People Jokes More People Jokes

How does a Confederate flag and a rainbow flag differ?

The latter represents people that win.

Why are people leaving the Ukraine?

I don't know but they sure are Russian.

Hoe Jokes More Hoe Jokes

What does a pimp do when his garden needs tending?

He grabs a hoe.

Why does Santa have three gardens?

So he can "hoe, hoe, hoe."

Know Jokes More Know Jokes

What the fu.." Me, wearing paper clip necklace - "See?

I knew you'd be mad so I made you one too

Why did the young Mexican solve the problem so easily?

It was a no buena My girlfriend is Mexican so I love Mexican jokes. Let me know if you have one!

10 Jokes More 10 Jokes

How did the doctor know Muhammad Ali was dead?

He never got up by the time he counted to 10 Edit: Phrasing

Why was 9 afraid of 10?

Because 10 11 12.

Believe Jokes More Believe Jokes

What's the dating scene like at MIT?

Carbon-14 is the most common method, I believe.

How do sceptics introduce themselves?

I don't believe we've met...