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Why shouldn't you tell a philosophy major a joke?

They don't find them Hume-erous.

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What did the beaver say when he found out his new neighbour was a fish?

Cod dam

What kind of bone do you find in a dinosaur steak?

A T-Bone!!!!

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How can you tell if you bought lube from Tumblr?

Because it Lubri-Can't Even!

Why can't clocks keep secrets?

Because, time will always tell.

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What do you call jokes about eyes?

Vitreous humour.

What's the difference between the jokes from today and next week's jokes?

The posters.

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How do you get someone with a doctorate in philosophy to leave your house?

Just pay for your pizza.

What do you call the corner of the market that specializes in philosophy?

A Nietzsche market!