Why shouldn't you tell a philosophy major a joke?

They don't find them Hume-erous.

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What kind of bug do you find on a long car ride?

An I-shoulda-pede.

Why couldn't C.P.E. Bach find his contemporary?

He was Haydn.

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What is the difference between a English actuary and a Sicilian actuary?

An English actuary can tell you how many people are going to die next year. A Sicilian actuary can give you their names...

What kind of fruit tells the best jokes?

A punkin. Edit: and apparently not me.

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What organ in the body never dies?

THE LIVER. ometrist will copyright this joke. hopefully.

Why does the house only have one window?

Cheeseburger (joke from my 3 year old neice this evening)

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How do you get a philosophy major off of your porch?

Pay for the pizza.

What kind of a friar loves philosophy?

A deep friar.