Why would I want to quit smoking?

Oh, to live longer. Why would I want to live longer

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What do the NBA and the presidential election have in common?

There's only two candidates, and nobody wants either of them to win!

When does a horse talk on the phone?

Whinny wants to!

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What do fish smoke?

Seewead

What do you call it when you smoke weed and work out at the same time?

Getting all high and mighty

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Why is Santa always so jolly?

Because he knows where all the naughty girls live. You've probably heard this one before. But it's Christmas tomorrow so what the hell.

What did the Goat living in Manama say when it starting raining?

BAAAHH RAIN!

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Why did the girl quit her job at the doughnut factory?

Because she was fed up with the hole business.

Why did Chris Benoit quit wrestling?

He wanted to hang with his family.