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Quit Jokes

How do you get a Canadian to quit smoking cigarets?

You ask him politely.

Everyday Deserves a Joke

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Everyday Deserves a Joke

Why did the can crusher quit his job?

Because it was soda-pressing

Why did the can-crusher quit his job?

Because it was soda pressing.

What does a retired Olympic sprinter have in common with Bernie Sanders?

He quit running.

Why did Barty Crouch Jr. quit drinking?

Because it was making him moody.

What did Pinocchio say to Rudolph when he asked him what he asked for Christmas?

Quit being nosey.

Why did the programmer quit his job?

Because he didn't get arrays.

Why did I quit my job in Mexico?

It didn't peso well.

What happens when Turkeys get the common cold?

They quit smoking.

Why did the cyclops quit teaching?

He had only one pupil.

Why did the mathematician quit his job and join NASCAR?

They told him he was good at deriving

Love

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Love

How does a neckbeard neurologist address a Hispanic midwife who can't quit her job?

M'doula obligada.

Why did the pig quit running the the marathon?

He had a problem with his hamstring.

Why did the geologist quit his job?

His boss always took him for granite.

What does an existentialist bully say?

Quit being yourself, quit being yourself!

Why did the man quit his job at the bakery?

He didn't knead any more dough.

Why did the man quit working at the cemetery?

It was hard to make a living.

Why did the French chef quit working at the haunted restaurant?

He got crped out.

Why did the man quit his job at the helium gas factory?

He didn't like being spoken to in that voice

Why did the Native American quit his desk job at the Marriot?

He didn't like dealing with reservations.

Why did the girl quit her job at the donut factory?

She was fed up with the hole business.

I've Got a Whole Latte Jokes

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I've Got a Whole Latte Jokes

Why did the cyclops quit his job as a teacher?

He only had one pupil.

Why would I want to quit smoking?

Oh, to live longer. Why would I want to live longer

Why did the alcoholic quit his acting career when the audience jeered at him?

He couldn't handle his boos.

What do you call a Pokemon who is trying to quit smoking?

Vaporeon

Why did Julius Caesar want to quit politics?

All that backstabbing was too much for him.

Why did the girl quit her job at the doughnut factory?

Because she was fed up with the hole business.

Why did Chris Benoit quit wrestling?

He wanted to hang with his family.

Why did the knife quit?

It couldn't CUT IT! woohoo! I made this one up while sitting at a buffet table. Enjoy! Skip

Why did the bacteriologist quit her job?

She hated being microbe-managed.

Why did this adhesive strip quit his work?

He just couldn't tape it anymore..

Birthday State of Mind

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Birthday State of Mind

What do you call a guy that used to fight in the ring, but quit it all for video games?

An ex-boxer.

Why did the doctor quit his job?

He ran out of patients.

Why did the tumblrina quit being a teacher?

It wasn't her job to educate people.

How did you lose your last job?

I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future." Sir, this is McDonald's.

Why did the cross eyed teacher quit her job?

Because she couldn't control her pupils.

Why did the metal worker at the recycling plant quit?

His job was soda-pressing

What did the momma hawk say to her chicks?

Quit falcon around or get the flock outta here!

Why did the mountain climber quit halfway through his climb?

He really wasn't feeling up to it.

Why are you not laughing?

Cos I'm quitting today.

What did the fast food employee do when he decided to quit?

He chicken tendered his resignation.

Why did Jesus quit playing ice hockey?

He kept getting nailed to the boards.

Why did the programmer quit his job?

Because he didn't get arrays.

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Existentialist Jokes More Existentialist Jokes

How many existentialists does it take to change a light-bulb?

Two, one to change the light-bulb, and one to observe how it symbolizes an incandescent beacon of subjectivity in a netherworld of cosmic nothingness. This is courtesy of Spencer Reid.(CM)

What does an existentialist bully say?

Quit being yourself, quit being yourself!

Africa Jokes More Africa Jokes

Why is China so politically in bed with Africa?

Because China is the biggest coal burner in the world

Whoa, cool. Where did you get him?

The parrot says, "Africa! There are loads of them running around!"

Hand Jokes More Hand Jokes

Where r my legal briefs?

Paralegal *hands him his boxers* Judge: lol Jury: We're hung Judge: ha! DA: Balls in your court Judge: DO MORE!

What did Mitt Romney say to C3P0?

Threepio, hand me those binders, willya

Find Jokes More Find Jokes

Why did the circus animals go on strike?

The elephants found out that they were being paid peanuts compared to the rest of the troupe and the ringleader was taking the lions share.

Where are most fish found?

Between the head and the tail!

Christmas Jokes More Christmas Jokes

What do redditors give one another on Christmas?

Gifs.

Where does the pirate shop for his kid for Christmas?

Toys Arrrrrrrrrrr Us

Think Jokes More Think Jokes

What does Miley Cyrus have for Christmas Dinner?

Twerky! I thought of that yesterday, apologies if you've heard it a thousand times already.

What do you call a Blind Dinosaur's Dog?

Do-ya-think-he-saurus-rex.

Women Soccer Jokes More Women Soccer Jokes

Why is womens soccer so rare?

Its quite hard to find enough women willing to wear the same outfit.

Respond Jokes More Respond Jokes

What the hell is that?

Sherlock responds, "A lemon tree my dear Watson."

What do you do at a red light?

Me: "I usually respond to texts and check my Twitter."