How do you find a dirty cop?

Call 911, it doesn't matter who answers

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What's the hardest thing about having a colostomy bag?

Finding shoes to go with it.

What did the farmer say when the police found the gate from the public footpath in his barn and accused him of stealing?

That's not my stile.

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Whats the last thing to go through the heads of the 9/11 jumpers?

Their knees

What's worse than 9/11?

311 Credit goes to my friend Max.

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What are the level differences between nannies?

The A level nannies suggest leafy vegetables... But the B nannies force kale.

Where's my freaking phone?

And it answers, "I'm here! Under your jacket!"

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Where do you go to meet the best fish?

It doesn't matter - any old plaice will do.

How do you pronounce "nihilism?

It doesn't matter