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What do you call an element found in the ground?

Barium.

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Where do you find an old Onion article?

In thier archives.

Why can't you find an Abbey National at the North Pole?

Because Santa dere.

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What do you cast a containment device out of element 28 in?

MOVIES!

Why do we all marry?

Because romance is not the only element of life, we should also know horror, terror, suspense, irony, stupidity and tragedy of life!

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What does Bill Gates call it when someone drops a $20 bill on the ground?

Littering.

How many "a man walks into a bar" jokes does it take to change a lightbulb?

One, but you can be sure a whole Reddit community will appear to expand the joke, make it funnier and eventually run it into the ground.

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What do you do with dead chemists?

Barium

What do you do when a scientist dies?

You barium! ba-dum-tss